


anything in return.

by pettycures



Series: billieverse. [1]
Category: Chris Brown (Musician), Frank Ocean (Musician), Music RPF, OFWGKTA, Odd Future, Tyler the Creator (Musician)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, Betrayal, Celebrities, Drama, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Frank is Bad at Feelings, Friendship, Hollywood, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Love Confessions, Multi, Secret Relationship, Sneaking Around, Substance Abuse, This Is STUPID, billie is a bi-con, billieverse, tyler is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-07-13 06:59:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16012697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pettycures/pseuds/pettycures
Summary: you and me can be what we want to be / don't you let this come falling down me / I can hold it in my arms / and I don't expect anything in return. part one of billieverse, title from toro y moi.





	1. intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! so i originally posted this on my old wordpress in 2013. people still hit me up about it so i decided since im writing for this verse again i would re-post it. keep in mind, it has been edited a little bit but still maintains its original essence. k. enjoy :-)

From the looks on everybody’s faces, they knew just as much as I did that I wasn’t supposed to be here. God’s tears were smeared all over the lace of my favorite black dress even with an umbrella overhead, and, even though he was crying, I couldn’t bring myself to. The sky was dark as I stood in the back of the crowd, filled with people I knew and didn’t know, and I watched quietly while they hovered and grieved and sobbed. The environment was full of pain, a pain that, I was expected to feel…maybe even more so, maybe even guilt. My last words to her were along the lines of _your pride is gonna leave you alone_.

That was months ago.

I’d grieved months ago, cried months ago.

A familiar set of eyes were fixed on me, glaring vehemently but I knew that would be about the most I would get before they pretended I didn’t exist…and I was fine with that. In everyone’s eyes I was a trespasser, with my own set of transgressions that led me to be in this graveyard with a dress on, the color of death.

Only I knew I was searching for peace.

My mind was in another place…

_Walking into our apartment juggling an armful of fresh Chinese, I called out._

_“Babe, come help me!”_

_Managing to get my portfolio out of my hands, I sat it and the food down on the kitchen counter and locked up, frowning. No answer._

_I looked around, spotting her purse and computer on the living room table…she had to be here._

_Shrugging, I ran my fingers through my hair and made my way to the bathroom to shower. It wasn’t unlike her to dip off for a second to visit a friend on another floor or randomly decide to go wash clothes or whatever her heart desired._

_I heard glass break in our bedroom, the noise abrupt with a loud “fuck” following it. I couldn’t move fast enough._

_Both of her nostrils were bloody, and the lamp from our nightstand was in pieces, shattered against the hard wood floor. In its place was a lonely white line next to a blade and a rolled up dollar bill._

_Angry tears started to sting my eyes as she ignored my presence, snorting her last dose before dabbing her nose, turning and smiling at me._

_I couldn’t even move._

_Her smile faded and she fidgeted in my gaze, playing with her fingers before rubbing her neck, “I need help, I’ll get help…”_

_My voice was fragile._

_“Why do you do this?”_

_“It feels good….like, I’m free, babe. Free from everything,” she threw her arms out dramatically, falling back on the bed…_

_“You’re killing yourself, do you know that?!” Before I knew it, I’d crossed the floor and grabbed her shoulders, attempting to shake some sense into her. Her eyes were dark, detached, just like the other times I caught her in our bedroom snorting lines._

_She told me the last time was the last time, and love makes you believe stupid things. But I was done this time. There wouldn’t be a next time._

_“Get out. If you can’t deal with your demons like normal people, get the fuck out!” I pushed her medium built frame out of our bedroom, struggling with her. I couldn’t deal with this shit, I couldn’t allow her to hurt me again. I got her to the door, making sure to grab her purse, yelling over her screams and pleas to change that after she sobered up she could come back and get the rest of her shit._

_By now, we were both crying._

_“Bee, please…You don’t trust me anymore, love me?” I looked up at those disconnected eyes. She didn’t care how I felt, not as much as she cared about her next fix. I came second to nothing – especially, to people that I put before everything, before myself._

_“Not anymore.” I would say it until I believed it. I must have been convincing enough. She yanked the door open, standing out in the hallway before turning around and pointing an accusing finger my way._

_“This is your fault…you hurt me, and I need to not feel. I don’t need you! I’m fine now, see?! I’m not the scared little girl you used to know! I’ve developed beyond you, this, us…”_

_I stood there, letting her jab her imaginary knife into my chest and twirl it around before grabbing her neck and forcing her back into the wall, clearly at my breaking point._

_“Don’t need me, huh? I’ve been there for you, more than I’ve been there for anybody. So don’t you DARE.” I snarled, letting go of her skin like it was contagious._

_She was too shocked to speak._

_“Don’t even bother coming back to get your shit, I’ll mail it to you. Your pride is gonna leave you alone, just you watch.”_

_I let the door slam in her face, standing there for a while before sliding down into a ball and sobbing for a long time._

I stood alone after the casket was slowly lowered into the ground, holding a red rose tightly to my chest.

“ **I told you** ,” I whispered gently, before tossing it in and leaving just as swiftly as I’d come.


	2. thinking 'bout you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, parts in italics are flashbacks, k? k.

The notice of Gia’s funeral and the actual service ended up being more than I bargained for and, instead of peace I seemed to open up a wound that I was just learning how to heal.

I hoped visiting her grave site would fix me. I put on my best black dress, maybe a bit too short for the occasion but nonetheless I left feeling even more internally conflicted than when I arrived.

I’d dealt with the trust issues. I’d dealt with the feelings of worthlessness. Life dealt me card after card, waiting on me to scream blackjack. And as the smoke finally started to clear, there was an emptiness that I still didn’t know how to deal with. Affected my emotions, my friendships…affected my family.

Thank God I wasn’t as alone as I often felt.

My best friend would probably tell me at this point to shut the fuck up. More than likely I’d reply with a hug, letting myself sink into the expensive and comforting smell of his cologne and soft sweater. I’d appreciate him for always knowing just what to say.

Our friends would lure me into a massive tackle situation where there might possibly be tickling involved, and I would spend too much time trying to catch my breath between laughing and squirming to escape to even think about the three month old hole in my chest. I would appreciate them for the distraction.

My boss would kiss my forehead, fatherly, in the midst of whispering for me to cheer up or that I’d be okay, while his wife – my other boss – would maternally offer her shoulder for me to cry on. They wouldn’t think I was whiny or anything and more importantly – they would listen. I would appreciate them more than I’d ever have enough words to express. But they’d know.

My family would watch me smile, and laugh, unaware that I was dealing with a lot of internal shit that I still had no idea to tell them, not wanting to deal with being judged. They’d have their suspicions, though. I’d appreciate them for even bothering to notice. They had a habit of ignoring me unless acknowledging my presence was absolutely necessary.

And him? There was always a him not too far behind any troubled woman’s stories, right?

He would pull me into his arms and we’d lie there like that for hours as I cried, feeling guilty for finding comfort in the fact that he wanted to love me even though I wasn’t ready. He always had a way of seeing beauty in obscurity, seeing good in the bad…and I’d appreciate him seeing the potential in me, even while I was so broken.

This time, I didn’t have to shell out any gratitude or worry about being anyone’s wet blanket. I was home alone.

My new home, my new place of solace.

I moved out of that apartment plagued with history I didn’t want to haunt me anymore a few months ago. Sure, the smell of Chinese still made me feel sick but I’d take that over cold sweats and panic attacks whenever I fell victim to her memory.

Something in my conscious was telling me that maybe I should feel remorseful about our last correspondence, but it wasn’t loud enough. I mean, how much remorse could you possibly muster up for someone who manipulated and lied to you for months?

I’d taken up the habit of drinking water whenever I felt the need to get up and make myself a mix of something that’d probably make my chest burn. There was no victory in being a hypocrite and drowning myself in vodka to get away from my problems.

Someone that was now dead.

Sipping my Super Big Gulp cup full of ice water, I curled up on the edge of my couch with my computer before slipping my glasses on and checking my work email. Bullshit, deadlines, inquiries – things I didn’t feel like dealing with right now – and here I was, the queen of procrastination. My life was turning into a chorus of I’ll do it laters.

I didn’t have much time to think about that before my phone started buzzing, the noise of it shuddering against my coffee table sending me roughly spiraling back to reality and out of my thoughts. Checking it, I couldn't help but smile at Tyler's, well, Tyler-y approach to get me up out of this funk I was in - even though his consideration for my want to be alone was almost non-existent at this point. I knew it was out of love.

I couldn’t lie, I did miss him.

I scribbled back an okay before getting up to at least brush my hair, ignoring the seizure my phone was having from people, his fans reacting to him tweeting me as many times as he did, the weight jabs, questions about who I was...things that came with the territory. I still wasn’t used to Tyler being even more of a big-shot celebrity than when I first met him, interning for Tyler’s managers – even though I was already used to unwanted attention (cue Chris). That was before I branched off into my own freelance design company. Before my biggest high profile client and my biggest profile secret. Before her. Before everything got fucking complicated.

The doorbell rang just when I was about to sit back down after running back downstairs. When I opened it, I saw a flash of pink before I was tackled and immersed in the smell of Prada cologne.

“ **Hi to you too**.” I mumbled somberly into his shoulder. He sighed, obviously coming over here to do some type of extraction job but was now put off by seeing me like this.

“ **You have to get the fuck outta here, Bee. Everybody’s worried nshit**.” His words sounded like they were intended to be said with more force than they were. The air around us tensed as I pulled away, and he closed the door, locking it before we both got comfortable on the couch.

“ **I’m not sure if I’m ready, T. Honestly. Don’t look at me like that**.”

He shook his head.

“ **I know this shit sucks but life fucks us all in the ass sometimes – woah, that was sus – anyway, you’re strong as fuck. You’ll get through it. But staying away from the people who care about you isn’t the way, dude. Clancy wanted me to make you come to dinner tonight, some cool shit is happening with the clothes and shit and you’re coming. Go get dressed. Don’t say no**.”

As soon as Tyler got philosophical on me, I knew there wasn’t really anything I could say or do to get out of this.

I huffed and got up, throwing a pillow at him and grabbing my phone before heading back upstairs.

He found that to be the perfect time to add, “ **make sure you show some tits or something, Lonny’s gonna be there**.”

Great.

-

Amazing how fast news travels. Blame Tyler, his childlike excitement and his big mouth. I barely had enough time to wrap a towel around myself before my phone started shuddering violently again. One particular text out of the set caught my eye.  


**Lon**

dinner at Clancy’s. heard you’re coming.

 

**Bee**

yeah, I’ll be there. Why?

He made me nervous. The thought of being around him made me nervous. It just felt like what was going on between us was painfully obvious whenever we were in the same place. I couldn’t help but blush when we locked eyes or, feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up when he was close enough to feel his body heat. He made a point to touch me a second longer than necessary, or, call me baby in that teasing tone – like he knew things I didn’t because he was older than me, things I knew he wanted to teach me – that made me scowl and made my thighs clench at the same time.

It had been a while since we spoke. And that was for a good reason.

The last time I was at his apartment, both of our minds were swimming with sake shots. Before I knew it, he threw his whole I’ll make you cum when you belong to me idea out of the window and had me giggling as he pinned me down against his bed with one hand under my dress. The desperate feeling of an impending orgasm was enough to snap me out of the drunken haze I was in before squirming away and sitting up, lightheaded. It was too intense. Everything was too intense.

I managed to make it out before my body decided to do otherwise. I’m not sure if I regret leaving or not, if it was the right decision. All I know is that I left.

That was two weeks ago.

It had been two weeks since Lonny almost made me cum, and I was taking this time away to forget it. I hadn’t been around him since then. And the thought of it was making me queasy. If there wasn’t a neon sign above the two of us flashing at everybody before, there would be now.

**Lon**

i miss you, why? is that a crime?

 

**Bee**

yes

 

**Lon**

haha, knew you would say that.

There was only one man in my life that made me smile and frown at the same time. I dried my hair straight and got dressed, even bothering to put on some makeup for the first time in a few days. Looking in the mirror, I realized that I subconsciously listened to Tyler’s advice – opting for an Aztec printed sundress that had a good amount of boobage showing, and some simple gold sandals. I shrugged and put on a brave face as I headed back downstairs. If he was gonna look, I was gonna give him something to look at.

The house was abuzz with unheard levels of testosterone when we got there, which made me heavily rethink having my chest out. I couldn’t help but see Tyler’s smug face when we both spotted Lonny because he knew I would seek him out first, no matter what. Amidst all the greetings and hugs – everybody was there, literally everybody –, he was on the floor in a lonely corner of the living room with Chloe, talking way more animatedly than he was known for. T was too observant to not see there was something going on, which in turn made it impossible to lie to him.

 _“_ **_What?_ ** _”_

 _“_ **_I’m not stupid. I see the way you look at him, dude. And that stupid ass smile you get when you two talk. You wanna suck his dick_ ** _.” The thought made my face heat up faster than that time Tyler went through my underwear drawer – which was equally as exposing and depressing._

 _“_ **_You’re so off the mark_ ** _.” He shrugged, pulling on his socks._

**_Lon_ **

_i can’t wait for you to see my set._

 

**_Bee_ **

_just me?_

_“_ **_I’m not. He wants to suck your dick too, if you care. Which you do_ ** _.”_

_I hit him in the back of the head._

_“_ **_Shut up_ ** _!”_

_We sat in silence for a moment, and I played with the hem of my shirt before letting the weight of his words sink in despite the colorful way he chose to say them. And how much sense they made…_

_Then I let my head fall in my hands._

_“_ **_Am I really that easy to read? Is this really happening_ ** _?” He just shrugged again, more occupied by trying to choose between his Catwang shirt and the new printed button up I just bought over. I pointed at the button up to help him out. I knew his distance was only because he was up for time two at Coachella ‘11 today and even though it was just a guest appearance on Lonny’s set, it meant a lot to him. It meant a lot to all of us, really. Even me, and I’d only been around for a short amount of time._

 _“_ **_Nigga, I just pay attention. This shirt is so fucking sick_ ** _.” He muttered, putting it on._

_Checking my watch, I mentally noted that we had a few more minutes to bullshit around before we were back on schedule. He’d probably use that time to figure out what hat to wear._

_“_ **_He probably knows too then. Fuck_ ** _.” His obnoxious laugh only made me want to crawl under a rock even more._

 _“_ **_Probably. This is sus. I’m so bad at this, by the way – I actually ain’t shit_ ** _.” At this point, I’d stopped listening to him and started to freak out. This was a bad time to have realizations like this._

 _“_ **_Holy shit, we have to go meet him under the fucking tent in ten minutes! This is so awkward. Why do I exist? Oh my God_ ** _.”_

 _“_ **_Watch out for his bitch. She’s a bitch_ ** _.”_

**_Lon_ **

_just you_

 

**_Bee_ **

_really? what about “lili”…trouble in paradise?_

_“_ **_Fuck her_ ** _,” I spat before I could even begin to process what he just said. It went without saying that I hated Alycia. But I only hated her because she was sneaky as fuck, not because I secretly wanted to be her._

_Seriously._

_Tyler laughed again, shaking his head after putting back on the hat he had on all day. He was a simple dude._

_“_ **_Don’t worry about it, Bil’, really. C’mon, we gotta go. Ya boy’s about to be on soon. Is he doing Nature Feels? How many times have you jacked off to Nature Feels? I always wanted to ask a girl that. Shit’s sick_ ** _.”_

**_Lon_ **

_eh, its whatevs. for what it’s worth i’ve been thinking about you all day._

Crawling under a rock was tame compared to the pile of rubble my life was turning into in such a short time. Maybe I should just take refuge under that…

Chloe ran up to me, tugging on my dress and hugging my leg before Tyler picked her up and ran off, giving me the perfect window. I felt eyes on me and I didn’t have to guess whose they were. Meeting his gaze, he nudged his head to the kitchen and I followed him inconspicuously, leaning against the counter, unsure of what would happen next. The scent of his cologne hit me again, subtly at first until he hugged me, kissing my temple for good measure; the sweet gesture making me un-tense and melt into his arms. Tyler smelled like Prada, but this was Lonny – of course he smelled like Ferrari.

“ **You’re such a great hugger, you know.** ” I said after a while.

“ **I’m good at a lot of things.** ”

“ **Lon’, don’t start**.” I whispered warningly, not missing his suggestive tone and pulling back. If his voice was a color, it would be olive, or burgundy…something deep, and smooth…classic. I was beginning to think he’d given me color synesthesia and it wasn’t even something that could be caught.

His voice lowered to a level that shouldn’t even be legal. If I died in this kitchen, what would my tombstone say?

“ **Sorry, even though that was tame compared to what I’ve been thinking about doing to you when I saw you again…** ”

I groaned inwardly at the memory.

“ **You made that noise, too** ,” he added as an afterthought more to himself before biting his lip. He still hadn’t let go of my waist and, I only really noticed that after his grip possessively tightened…it was too natural. Lonny had those little things he did that just screamed you’re mine without ever having to say it – the Scorpio in him non-verbally asserting dominance. He took that opportunity to push our hipbones together, kissing me softly and I let him. I had a bad habit of doing things because they felt good sometimes. Twenty years on this earth and I still hadn’t learned how much shit could pop off because of stolen moments like this. His brow furrowed and I knew he was fighting with himself inside just as much as I was. Then he put himself at a comfortable distance away before rubbing the back of his neck, unsure.

“ **I don’t know if that was out of bounds, but I missed you. Seriously. Don’t ever do that shit again, Billie**.” The ending bite in his voice was enough to make me cross my arms.

Anybody who knew me knew I had a problem with authority and people trying to assume some over me. As a grown ass woman, that was a no-no. I was responsible for myself. I answer to nobody.

“ **And who are you to tell me what to do, my daddy**?”

“ **Don’t tempt me, baby**.” Lonny kissed me again, longer this time; enough to make my knees buckle and my heart race before he left me there without a second thought. There I was, supporting my weight with a tight grip on the granite. Dumbfounded. Judging by that fucking kiss, he missed me a lot.

Fuck him.

I stayed there a little while to compose myself. Luckily for me, that seemed to be the only personal run-in I would have with him for the night. Dinner went on without a hitch – I hadn’t laughed this much in weeks. I felt at home. We were all eating cake that Chloe and Thebe made amidst the preparation while Kelly and Clancy pulled out some half done vision boards, discussing everyone’s new ideas and directions. Meanwhile, I was slightly distracted. Lonny made it a point to sit as far as he could from me, and I couldn’t help but be secretly grateful. I was beginning to wonder about my sanity and how much it just seemed to disappear whenever he was at arm’s length... As long as I had a phone, it was only a matter of time…

**Lon**

you are so beautiful, i honestly can’t even fucking focus.

 

**Bee**

v poetic, mr. breaux. you’re still not forgiven for earlier even though you grew out your beard.

As much as I wanted to be mad at him, I couldn’t fight the blush rising in my cheeks. He was diffusing as fuck. He smiled that cheeky smile at me from across the room before pouting, making me flip him off and then he laughed at that.

**Lon**

haha, you like it when I look homeless. i cant win, though. what would’ve happened if i stayed?

 

**Bee**

i do, makes you look all rugged. bad shit, probably.

I could only imagine what he’d been thinking about in my absence. I was tempted to ask but I knew in my heart of hearts that this was one of those times where curiosity could kill actually me, so I opted out of turning the conversation in that direction. Right then, I decided that “bad shit” was the perfect way to describe whatever intense, tantric sexual Scorpio hypnosis Lonny could’ve possibly cooked up in two weeks’ time. We caught eyes again as I pushed my hair out of my face, his expression mirroring some type of hunter animal while mine screamed “Bambi”. I always felt like his prey. How we managed to not get caught eye fucking for the past hour is beyond me. He wasn’t being in any way as subtle as I was.

**Lon**

rugged? i like rugged as an adjective of me. i also feel like this is you subconsciously telling me you wanted me to finish what i started.

 

**Bee**

rugged is good. and maybe, maybe not. it’s for me to know.

 

**Lon**

for now...


	3. white

Last night was eventful, but I didn’t have much time to dwell before news got around that I was back on regularly scheduled programming. After an early morning three way phone call between my mom and sister – I was still trying to figure out who snitched on me, probably Tyler – basically insisting I go through with throwing my 21st birthday party that had already been canceled, resumed, and canceled again, I finally caved…but only after they promised to stop bothering me about it. With less than a month to scramble around and finalize plans, September around the corner, I mentally prepared myself for a fluctuation in stress levels upon saying yes. But that was okay. Freelancing gave me more than enough connections to be able to pull it off, so that wasn’t my worry. I just hoped I didn’t drive myself crazy in the meantime.

Today was an office day. I had to make the most of it if I didn’t plan on being here long. I had a lunch date with Kacie.

I missed her.

I met her at my first job within my major, editing pictures for the magazine company that she was interning for at the time – VIBE. I stuck out like a sore thumb being so young-minded around her and her friends even after she left the company, but they realized quickly I had more sense than my age could give me credit for.

Kacie was the impulsive ball of fire, Alex, Kacie’s best friend – the completion to our trio – the soft spoken southern belle, then Chris, goofy, lighthearted yellow motherfucker that always calls me _youngin'_ and ruffles my hair up, and Barry, Chris’s chill and beefy brother from another mother.

Kace and Chris had a pretty complicated relationship that ended up with them being the parents of the cutest one year old I’d ever seen in my life – Celeste.

Barry and Alex, well, they met through those two – going from fans of each other’s music to partners to husband and wife.

Being friends with well-known slash famous people came with repercussions. I didn’t like the attention – I never thought it was healthy the way people that didn’t even know me felt they could judge me based on the company I kept (which was great company, btw) – and it seemed like no matter how lowkey I tried to be, I still managed to be a target. You get used to shit like that, though. I like to think it toughened me up before my internship at Two Strikes.

They never hesitated to make me feel like family, even when things got kinda tense between Chris and OF, especially Tyler & Lonny. Hell, things between Lonny and Chris were still tense. I made a mental note to work on that before my party.

Sipping a venti Strawberry Frappe, I scrolled through my email, replying to price inquiries, questions, conducting online consultations while looking up some good venues simultaneously. Naturally I ended up on Twitter but it was for a good reason; scrolling down my following list to see who might have some suggestions on places to rent. I almost freaked out when I saw Lonny on my timeline. He was forfeiting his ban on social networks?

Since when?

I was one of the people adamantly opposed to him saying fuck it and deleting virtually everything his fans (and I) used to connect with him. I could make it sound as detrimental to his career as my vocabulary would allow but mostly, my opposition was for my own selfish reasons.

_“Summer just started and you’re already doing crazy shit. I can’t even tag you in this picture! You suck.” I said, pouting as I tried to decide between filters. Nashville was winning so far. But this border had to go._

_We were currently in a hotel room, sitting opposite each other in bed with our legs intertwined, waiting for the rain to let up so we could explore the city more._

_Summer in Belgium was hot, so hot that kept randomly pouring down. Lonny couldn’t afford to get caught in the rain again. It was my first time on tour with him and Kelly as a guest, which he had to pull some major strings for, so he was determined to make it special. I was just grateful to be there. Three and a half weeks of tour life and I honestly wasn’t tired of him yet, and I especially wouldn’t rather missing him on top of what was going on with Gia and I right now. We laughed some days, we cried some days. I took this as an opportunity to move on and leave my problems in the States, but they had a habit of following me…_

_It rained, it rained, it rained._

**_Gia_ **

_We all have our shit, don’t be a hypocrite. I have mine and you have him._

_I didn’t even answer. I hadn’t been answering her texts. If she said she didn’t need me, then she obviously could hold whatever conflict she was trying to start by her damn self. She had a habit of throwing tantrums whenever shit wasn’t going the way she wanted, and that was one of the reasons why we were over._

_That, and her new addiction. I didn’t have time for any of it anymore, especially when she tried to blame her naivety on me when I knew exactly the type of person I was dealing with. She felt like he could give me things that she couldn’t most of the time, which did nothing but make her paranoid and hurt and feel the need to be numb. I couldn’t lie, she was right, but it had nothing to do with sex or his status or anything like that. He respected me still, through all of the residual bullshit I was putting him through, and trusted me. She, on the other hand, obviously didn’t understand the concept._

_Lonny was initially mad at me for getting as serious with Gia as I did – for a minute it was like they were both pulling me from different arms at all times while I on the other hand, tried desperately not to snap – and I remember putting the icing on the cake when I tried to forge some distance between us out of desperation, thinking maybe she would stop if I just gave her what she wanted. Him and I didn’t talk for weeks and she was still high off coke, but all smiles, soaking up all my attention oblivious to how distant and out of place it was._

_Kicking her out put me at the lowest of low – against my better judgment, I let her words get to me more than they usually would but like always, Lonny was there for me – letting me cry in his arms for as long as I wanted. I didn’t deserve him, and I knew that._

_Lonny put on some Tame Impala, grabbing his computer and typed away while I got bored enough to start taking random pictures of him for the interwebs. I knew there was someone out there – like me – who loved his concentrated face and this was my gift to them. He, on the other hand, got bored enough to delete his Twitter and Instagram._

_That was the moment I realized I would never understand this man at all._

_“You’re seriously pouting over francistenenbaum? We’re in Belgium and you’re worried about my Instagram. Priorities, baby.”  I shot him a dirty look._

_“Whatever, I was attached to it. You know it’s inspired by our favorite movie.”_

_He nodded, opening his arms. “I could hug you if you want. C’m’over here. We can watch it after I finish this post.” His tone was borderline patronizing, but I knew that was just the way he talked sometimes – subtle intimidation tactic – so I shook that off and took the bait._

_Crawling into the little space he made for me against him, I read his ramblings about being overseas and photos and travelling and smiled at how brooding he truly was when he wanted to be. If anything, it just reminded me of what I would miss about finding time to check up on him via insert network here. He had a different way of looking at things that I admired._

_He hit publish before looking down at me, grinning, “That was hard to type with one hand.”_

_“Priorities,” I countered, making a smug face to further imitate him before we both laughed._

_“You’re right,” he nodded, smiling coyly. “You are more important.”_

_I let him revel in the way he could make me blush at the drop of a hat, but the moment was short lived as soon as another text popped up._

_Somewhere along this road I was traveling, I knew it wouldn’t be long before having my cake and eating it too would get me in trouble. I was holding onto the idea that I wasn’t technically eating the cake, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty about secretly wanting to even though I knew I shouldn’t. He was, though._

_Him and Alycia had come to the crossroads long before me and Gia had – the bitch was shady and she finally proved it to all of us – but he was still fucking her. I had no right to feel any way about that, but I did. Just like I did when Willy came and went. But I just kept it all to myself._

_I was aware of what he wanted. I would have to have been a fool to blatantly ignore the signs._

_And although he wanted more than I had to give, he decided that having some of me was better than having none of me at all._

_I could count on him for that. He was my safe place, my constant. And I was afraid of complicating this with shit I didn’t even think I could deal with._

_But I also wouldn’t be mad if one day he truly got fed up of waiting for me and moved the fuck on. We’d been doing this shit for years._

_Lonny noticed the frown on my face, tightening his arm around me protectively as he stopped the music and started the movie, deciding not to ask what was going on in my head. I appreciated the fact that he knew I didn’t want to talk about it. It was silent after that aside from his computer and the rain. We got about thirty minutes into it before he spoke again, thinking out loud._

_“Richie Tenenbaum is possibly my spirit animal.” I tore my eyes off the screen, staring up at him with a somber smile._

_Lonny felt like a troubled genius._

_“So I guess I’m Margot, huh?” He snorted in half-amusement, kissing my temple and sighing._

_“Of course. The yung forbidden love interest. The more I think about it, the more it seems fitting, like the kind of cards I’d be dealt.” His tone was an attempt at playful, but the thought of him being able to relate to someone as pained and conflicted as Richie did nothing but break my heart._

_But I couldn’t help but feel the same about Margot, too._

_She knew they were in love with each other, but it was frowned upon. Out of all people, she had to be in love with him. She was scared. And so was I._

_My eyes stung with tears and I sought comfort, nuzzling the top of my head under his chin. It seemed like I couldn’t be close enough to him, and him, well, he didn’t feel comfortable in a room with me without us being connected in some kind of way._

_Things like that told me that we were already too far down the fucking rabbit hole._

_“Sometimes Twitter is the only way to get in your head, you know? And sometimes Instagram is the only way I can see you smile. Sometimes you’re so cut off from me that I miss you.” The honesty in my words made them just as heavy as my voice broke. He thought for a moment, before taking my hand and pressing his lips against the back of it gently._

_“Maybe I just want you to miss me a little more.”_

_I couldn’t help but wish as I angrily wiped my face, that the rain could wash his pain away. Or maybe me, for causing it._

I scrolled down his timeline, sheer curiosity driving my fingers and eyes as I skimmed. Maybe I’d ask him why he decided to come back, maybe not. Maybe I didn’t wanna know.

I knew he enjoyed being one of the few people that could get in my head, but now he was just gloating. He was everywhere. I looked at the clock, already aware I was running behind schedule. Tweeting a quick frown, I got up, trashing my frappe and grabbing my purse and headed to the parking garage. If there was one person that could help me figure out what the fuck I might have just gotten myself into, it was Kacie DeVaughn.

-

The sun was setting, warm light covering us and the little deli bistro we were sitting outside of in gradients. Of course I was late but that was normal, and since it was a usual thing Kacie ordered for the both of us after sending me a text that said _you ain’t shit_.  After sitting down, already pouting because my suspicions of Celeste’s absence seemed to be true, Kace just smiled knowingly and pulled out her phone, showing me the lock screen. From this obscure angle, I could still see she had Chris' nose and her smile and her cheeks and her ears and his eyes with Michael's big rockhead next to her in the frame and all I could do is laugh.

“ **She took this herself, I blame her smart ass daddy…he got into a lot of trouble as a baby, now I gotta deal with the karma!** ” She gushed animatedly, before looking at her daughter in a way that seemed oddly familiar to me.

" **Speaking of Chris, have you talked to him**?"

She shrugged.

" **He off doing his own shit, hopefully getting his life together. I'm doing me. And it's not like B doesn't step in and help me whenever I need it, you know?...** "

" **That man loves the shit outta you, Kace**."

It was amazing how Mikey stepped in when it came to raising Celeste. I just hoped that Chris would figure out everything and not miss his little girl growing up due to his own selfishness...

The conversation went on without a hitch as we talked about family and work and friends and my birthday and her birthday and everything – it felt good to get in some girl talk. It seemed like most of the time I was surrounded by boys/men, and I didn't mind it too much. But in light of recent happenings, I felt the less testosterone around me the better.

Speaking of, I didn’t even get the chance to introduce the idea of Lonny before Kacie smirked, pursing her lips at me.

“ **So, I saw I had a new follower today. You’ll never guess who it was.** ”  I knew by that tone, some wild shit would follow.

I rolled my eyes up at the sky.

“ **Humor me**.”

“ **Frank-motherfucking-Ocean, I was kinda shocked honestly. Especially since the last time when I almost stabbed him**.”

It was no secret that Lonny wasn’t a fan of Chris (for many reasons, these days) but he tried to tolerate the rest of my friends, interacting with them as least as he possibly could because he knew his mouth always got him into trouble. I guess I appreciated him for that, he could be stubborn as hell when he wanted to – cue, about virtually everything. But what was so different about now?

“ **He’s just…a mindfuck, Kace. I don’t get it**.”

"He’s plotting on you, that’s what’s going on,” she said, before sipping her drink. “ **What about his lil’ girlfriend**?”

I made a pleading face.

“ **C’mon I need your helllp, don't do that! Yeah, he still fucking Alycia which is why I’m on the fence. I know I want him...I just don’t wanna fuck shit up. This _us_ thing has been feeling inevitable lately…** ”

Kacie nodded knowingly, before grabbing my hand.

“ **Fear of getting hurt again isn’t a good enough excuse to deny your own happiness. Just think about it, think about how long he’s already been around. You like that nigga. You should know better than anyone what his intentions are. Maybe it’s time to take a risk...just, be careful**.”

Maybe she was right.


	4. quickly

**Lon**

come with me to the studio today.

 

**Bee**

i have a lot of shit to do todayyyyyuh…

 

**Lon**

bless me with your chakras or i’ll send you a picture of me pouting.

The next morning started with me being summoned by none other than temptation, and I – despite myself – let it happen without a fight. This had to be pretty important to him to be worth bringing out the puppy dog eyes, and I wasn’t in any way fit to resist that this early. Even with the amount of phone calls and emails I had on the chopping block for today, determined to get everything for my party mostly confirmed and locked in, there was still something I wanted to do more, somewhere I wanted to be more…

Just one of the things that came with the territory of whatever it is we are.

At the drop of a hat we both knew how to wiggle one another into schedules, knowing that these stolen moments could become few and far between. I texted him a quick okay before tossing my phone unceremoniously back into my pillow, getting up to stretch and do some hygiene stuff. Afterwards, I threw on some tights, a tank and one of his hoodies before grabbing my computer bag, phone, and keys, heading out the door with my hair still damp.

Just like I assumed, we were alone.

I knocked softly, politely, before I opened the door.

It took him a minute to look up – probably trying not to lose the line he was writing before acknowledging my presence. He was too much of a perfectionist for me to expect anything less. This was his job, his domain, his space, and I respected that. I knew how it was. He was like that with everything. I took the moment to take it all in. Many of my favorite songs had been written here, laughs, major inside jokes were made on a couch in the corner with the _Tyler_ s and _Thebe_ s of this world, where I’ve sat in this space with a my favorite people, and even having intelligible conversations with the _Pharrell_ s and _Rick Rubin_ s of this world.

Things had been changed since the last time I’d been in Studio C; the paint was a shade of yellow I didn’t think I’d ever seen before, there were shinier new knobs to turn, a brand new red couch turned at just the right angle to frame the room, carpet replaced with better carpet, the color reminding me of chocolate…it was warm in here. It was designed with colors that reminded me of home. Everything may have been upgraded but the history it held could never be purchased in IKEA. No matter how good the room looked, or, how well it fulfilled its function, or, how much it was to just sit in here for an hour, he was still the focal point. Everything else might as well have just been wallpaper.

I was given just enough of a window to admire him. The length of his eyelashes kept his darting eyes hidden as he scribbled quickly, not wanting to lose his momentum.

He brought a hand up, skimming the paper before rubbing the back of his neck. He was tense there, where he kept all his stress – the human definition of Galileo with the world on his shoulders, but he was in a good mood.

I could tell by the way he was tapping his Jordan-clad foot to some music in his head, subtly harmonizing to the melody of it, probably…reminding me of the beach…the way he was sitting was so relaxed. He wasn’t predictable in the slightest, but the Virgo in me noticed everything he did without thinking. My frequencies were always tuned to him without even trying. And I knew he felt at home here, and I couldn’t blame him. The few years he’d been in the limelight and this was the place where he let his creativity roam free most of the time.

Once he was done, Lonny put the notebook aside and stood, smiling cheekily at my awkward stance in the doorway before beckoning me in with two fingers, obviously amused and mischievous. His eyes were hidden in the swells of his cheeks, cheerful, and here I was, reading too much into everything and making myself nervous…as usual. His brow rose and I took a deep, calming breath, rolling my eyes playfully as I closed the door and turned in the direction of my favorite nook of the room, trying to be adamant about avoiding his antics. Little did I know, shit…

He grabbed my hand at the last minute, pulling me to him. He didn’t have to pull too hard. I was already drawn in by the smell of his cologne and spearmint breath as soon as I got close enough to inhale it.

“ **C’mere, I forgot, you’re not a morning person…** ”

“ **You aren’t either,” I mumbled back bitterly before completely contradicting my tone and wrapping my arms around his neck. “What has you in such a good mood, Sparky?** ” He laughed, letting the smooth and happy sound fill the room…then he gently palmed my ass for emphasis, pulling me closer – making my body throb against his.

“ **You** ,” he said simply, kissing my temple.

Leave it to him to find a way to be sweet and sexy at the same time. I said a silent prayer to Jah for myself. I honestly didn’t know whether to blush or take my clothes off.

“ **Both**.” He replied, smiling coyly.

I didn’t realize I said that shit out loud until he replied. Apparently now I was so internally conflicted that I was making inside thoughts outside thoughts.

Laughing nervously, I pulled back…

“ **You invited me here for us to both be productive**.”

He smirked, holding my hips still.

“ **Productivity is relative, baby**.”

Now he was just starting to irk me. Was he in heat? I made a face before raising a brow, the razors already sharp on my tongue.

“ **Mmhm, so call Alycia and be ‘productive’ with her. I have work to do**.” I replied exasperatedly, making sure to exaggerate my air quotes. He released me, watching me walk over to the couch and set up my station before chuckling with no humor and turning to the soundboard.

I knew that was a low blow but he had to know he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too.

“ **You know** ,” he started, “ **I fuck her, thinking about making love to you. It’s like being hungry, eating popcorn and imagining steak…if that makes sense. I’m with her, thinking about you, and she does the things I want…but it’s not enough**.”

“ **I didn’t ask you to eat popcorn**.”

He was gonna put the guilt of constantly breaking Alycia’s heart on me? My dick wasn’t the one inside of her. There were many things I deserved, but that type of blame wasn’t one of them, especially when I wished... Lonny turned around, anchoring himself against the control panel so that he was facing me, studying me.

“ **So, you’d rather me starve**?”

“ **And by starve, you mean…? Cause this isn’t really translating to a bigger picture for me**.” I was getting tired of talking in riddles. Closing my planner, I lifted my head and crossed my arms, protecting my heart. His words were turning to blows to the chest and I didn’t think I could take another one.

“ **Well, I don’t know if you know, but humans have needs, Billie. One of mine is you, and I wish you could just be straight forward and tell me I’m stupid for waiting on you so I could move on**.”

I couldn’t help but think to myself how wrong he was, and much I had this shit coming. Of course he thought I didn’t love him. I’d spent three years of our lives avoiding those feelings, not wanting to lose him and he was already halfway out of the door. If anything, I had something to lose now…

I dropped my arms, causing his defensive posture to change.

“ **Lonny** ,” I whispered, shaking my head. “ **That’s not fair**.”

“ **What’s not fair is that everyone else knows the shit I don’t. Seems like I’m the only one missing something here**!”

By this point I was back on my feet, letting the magnet in my belly button pull me across the room until I was in front of him, meeting his troubled eyes with my wet ones.

“ **I’m scared** !” I finally screamed. “ **I’m scared of shit like this! We’re not even together and we can’t function in the same room sometimes without wanting to rip each other’s throats out! Like, what if I don’t love you enough? And you go out and try some drug looking for comfort and you die because of me**?!”

I never yelled. It wasn’t in my nature. But Lonny had a way of pushing my buttons…

_“Play it from the end of Thebe’s verse,” he requested, adjusting the headphones back over his ears._

_He’d only been back in Los Angeles for a day and already he was back in the studio. The whole Odd Future camp was on a high right now because of multi Grammy award-winning artist, Frank Ocean. It was still surreal. Even though we weren’t really on good terms because of the argument we had spawning from having to almost literally carry him away from Chris, I was still so proud. He was ecstatic. I mean, who wouldn’t feel great about winning Album of the Year and the Brit Award for International Male Solo Artist in less than a month?_

_It ignited some kind of spark inside that made us all sit back and watch._

_But he had something else to prove._

_I watched the flames rise higher as Lonny delivered the first few lines of his part before cutting my eyes away, noticing Earl looking at me knowingly and shaking his head._

_“I’m comin’ back I gotta handle business…vanish to my sleeper seat, left you at terminal three. I’ll meet you down in baggage claims in a couple weeks, a fortnight, when you parade my homecoming - don’t cry… Lemme hear the playback?”_

_Hours went by, and it seemed like I was getting more agitated by the second. Between his verse being one long dissertation of shade, accusations and sarcasm to not only me but Chris, I was ready to go the fuck home. I hadn’t spoken at all since the food came, and that was two hours ago. And now I was tempted to catch a cab. Earl had only officially been gone a few minutes and it was already getting hard to hold my tongue. He was lucky the engineer was still in the room because I had an earful. And I didn’t need an organ to say it._

_At this point, I was aware that this was supposed to be some kind of slap on the wrist for not taking his side on the whole situation, but I couldn’t help but feel that continuing this beef with Chris was out of spite. There was no reason in my mind that he couldn’t just get over it if he wanted to, especially if Chris had already._

_I wasn’t ready for the shit storm, from not only his camp but Gia as well. She wasn’t stupid, and recently she’d taken up the hobby of listening to all of Lonny’s music – I was convinced she was trying to do some type of Da Vinci code shit._

_Whatever._

_“So how do you like it?” He taunted, before grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge. My mind took that question and ran with it. Far away. I subtly clenched my legs together and sighed._

_But I didn’t say anything in response, though. I just kept thumbing through my design magazine. He snatched it out of my hand, holding it behind him and turning his body as a shield as I tried to get it back._

_“You mad? I’ll give it to you once you tell me how you like it.” His face was close to mine, smirking. These sexual innuendos were killing me. We’d kissed one time before, but I was in a relationship now. This couldn’t be happening…_

_I didn’t think twice about punching him in the stomach._

_If it was possible, my anger grew as he laughed._

_“You’re such a dick, you know that?”_

_“Billie, don’t be mad. I needed an outlet. I’m an artist.”_

_“Take me home.”_

_He pouted, hugging me and I almost had enough willpower to resist his affection and that fucking diffusing ass face. Almost._

_The world was crashing down around us and I couldn’t help but hold myself and sob in the ruins, holding my chest. Lonny’s face morphed from anguish to something I couldn’t even attempt to describe in one word and before I knew it, I was back in his arms. He led me back to the couch and we sat there a while, adjusting so that he was laid back against the armrest with me against his chest._

_All I could think about was how things had gotten to this point._

_I cried, too._

Lonny stroked my hair absentmindedly as he hummed, before looking down and gently wiping the moisture from my face with the back of his thumb.

“ **C’mon, Bil’, shh…. All this time I been here, you should know already that I’m not going anywhere without you**.” All I could do was nod.

He was right. I was being irrational.

" **Besides, I'm a 'shrooms type of dude. Crack is wack**." I hit him before I had a chance to think twice. Leave it to him to make a joke about something that shouldn’t be funny. He just laughed.

Things got quiet aside from my random sniffles and I mulled everything over, making my decision. There was no turning back now.

“ **You want me to make you feel better**?” He asked, finally breaking the silence and my thought process while rubbing the small of my back.

I nodded, and everything got still until he did the worst possible thing ever to me in life.

Ever.

It probably sounded like he was murdering me as I laughed and screamed, trying to squirm away from his tickling hands. I’m surprised nobody from the front desk came bursting in, expecting to see me being tortured on some Saw shit. I managed to somehow get trapped under him, and he took advantage of that, pinning me down by my arms above my head with his weight.

“ **My boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate the fact that you have me in this compromising position, he’s famous – Frank Ocean. You heard of him**?” I said coyly, tilting my head.

The smile on his face was priceless. Maybe I was stupid for being scared of something that was already kinda happening…this felt normal.

Lonny shrugged before lowering his head down and kissing under my ear, making me shiver slightly.

This felt really normal. And good.

Really good.

  
“ **Nah, that nigga weak. He’s not gonna like what I plan on doing to you next, either then** …”


	5. whip appeal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's some light smut in this jawn.

_When I said it would be a long day out with the boys this morning, I didn’t know how right I was until now. At the Clancy’s, a type of day like this would be chill with everybody lying around, broken up into sections doing their own thing but not really at the same time. However, Terry Richardson’s studio was not only full of rambunctious testosterone, but hot as fuck. Half of them had already discarded their shirt in hopes of catching some kind of air and I couldn’t blame them. Creeping up on hour three of our stay, I too shed a few layers of clothes, in a camisole and some shorts, hanging back in the shadows and admiring some of the weird shit Terry (who was also weird) had acquired through the years._

_The New York takeover was in full swing._

_“Want some company?” A smooth voice behind me asked, and all I could think was the color olive as I turned and smiled shyly, offering him a seat nearby._

_Almost two years working for Kelly and Christian, and he still made me nervous._

_I shook it off, playing absentmindedly with a stuffed monkey. I probably looked really dumb but it was helping._

_“I meant to tell you, Lon’, your show last night was really good.” One thing I was good for was awkward small talk. He just smiled again, probably seeing right through me, before nodding appreciatively._

_“That’s love, baby, I’m glad you liked it.”_

_“Your band was sick, especially that Strawberry Swing / Made In America mash up, I mean, I should be used to it but it gets better every time.”_

_What the fuck was I even talking about? I didn’t even know. But I kept going, rambling on about things that came to my head. I didn’t stop until I felt body heat behind me…_

_“You know,” he started, brushing a renegade piece of hair off my mostly bare shoulder, “sometimes, you’re really transparent.”_

_I turned around quickly, attempting to shake off the fact that he could make me go from lion to mouse in point two seconds. Standing my ground, I looked up at him, determined this time to not let that charm of his affect me as much as it usually did. I was at a constant power struggle with him, and ever since he got rid of that trifling bitch Alycia, he’d been going out of his way to make me nervous. I wasn’t sure if I appreciated the attention, considering my own status._

_“You know,” I mocked, furrowing my brow, “sometimes, you’re really annoying.”_

_His eyebrows raised in amusement._

_“I’m only annoying because I make you nervous.”_

_Was I really that easy to read? I frowned again at the thought and his matter-of-fact voice before backing up, creating some distance away from us._

_“Don’t flatter yourself, Lonny.” He shook his head softly, putting a hand to his chest._

_“I know more about you than you know... I pay attention. I'm just being honest.”_

_I didn’t know what to say after that._

_He had this way of talking in circles that did nothing but make my head hurt. For the past few minutes I’d been avoiding his gaze, but with one quick look I could see the determination on his face. His purpose for finding me through all the chaos wasn’t for small talk. He wanted something…_

_“I’ve been thinking…a lot, about something I’ve wanted to do for a while.”_

_He was fighting himself._

_I had a secret I’d been hiding since last spring, and in just one instant, it seemed like it wouldn’t be a secret I’d have to keep from him for much longer._

_His hands slowly gripped my waist, and time seemed to pause for just a moment as he pulled me closer. The air between us was thick, teasing…it wasn’t too long after I grabbed his neck that our lips locked. I always imagined Lonny to be a slow kisser, one that took his time exploring the opportunities before letting his passionate nature take over and go on instinct…but this was so much more than that. So much more._

_Imagine being thrown from a plane._

_My mind was spinning._

_I had to be dreaming._

_His lips were soft._

_With gravity settling behind my belly button, my stomach was in knots. My feelings weren’t the only ones at stake here._

_Now imagine being thrown from a cliff._

_We eventually broke apart with my face red, burning hotter than a summer fire. He just smiled that smile, the one I knew well and never really understood…but I did now._

_He’d conquered me. And even though he did, just a little bit, victory was his. But what he didn’t know was at that moment, I’d conquered him too._

_And the smile on his face told me victory was mine._

With the decision to keep what was going on between us a secret, came pros and cons.

“ **So, what are your plans so far**?” Lonny asked as he slid back into his seat next to me, pulling my legs up into his lap. I smiled at how raspy his voice still was.

A major downside was that our moments were still stolen even though we were together. Lonny had difficulty trying to get me alone in the midst of him writing for his new album and me getting the last of my birthday plans together. A week of stealing kisses in the shadows and sneaky tweets and text messages was kind of exciting though, I had to admit.

We were having too much fun to care about getting caught so early in the game.

The main reason we decided to keep it to ourselves for now was because of privacy. With Lonny being mister international superstar, the news of him being in a relationship would be just enough for cameras to zero in on us and never let up.

We knew this sneaking around shit would eventually get boring, but for now, we were just feeling each other out without prying eyes.

I shifted closer to him, adjusting my glasses and handed him the notepad I’d practically been staring at and scribbling notes in for days.

“ **Well** ,” I started, resting my chin and arms on his shoulder, “ **I have the catering, the venue, the decorations and the DJ all taken care of…I’m looking for a makeup artist and hairstylist, but I still don’t know what to wea** r.”

Lonny made a noise of approval before pecking me sweetly, offsetting my pout.

“ **I’m sure you’ll look amazing nshit, as always**.”

“ **That’s a default answer**.” I replied, looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He just laughed and shook his head, brushing some hair out of my face.

“ **I’m serious. You were in a white cami the first time we kissed. I still remember…hot, sweaty and beautiful. Always beautiful**.”

His brow furrowed in thought, giving me that look, and I could see the distance in his eyes as he recalled the memory before chuckling again. The sun was rising, soft warmth making his skin look so inviting…

He was still shirtless.

Late night conversations turned into this impromptu visit to his apartment. We both had full itineraries today, so it was now or never. By now, we were well accustomed to the take what I could get mentality.

His eyes were still low. And I could taste the spearmint on his breath.

And the faded love bite on his collarbone was calling me…

Smirking, I slid into his lap.

“ **Sweet talker** ,” I muttered against his skin before biting it. Lonny grunted softly, rubbing up the back of my shirt, subtly checking for a bra, not finding one and making my back arch at his touch. It was almost like he was electricity…

“ **Don’t….start something you can’t finish, baby**.”

“ **I have time**.” I wasn’t sure how truthful that statement was, exactly, but there would only be so far we could go until there was no turning back.

I was determined to get us to that point.

I bit down harder on his skin, nibbling as he slid his hands down and gripped my ass. My lips grazed his shoulder and kissed up his throat and jaw, and I lifted my head, gently teasing his lips with mine.

“ **You’re intense this morning** ,” he mused in between a grunt, and I subtly rocked against the slight bulge in his sweats, admiring how quickly his gaze had gone dark.

“ **Mornings are my thing**.”

“ **Noted**.” He grabbed my chin, kissing me passionately, making my fucking toes curl. I didn’t even notice when he climbed over me, or when he settled between my legs…or, when his hands slid up under my In Search Of t-shirt…

This was all too familiar to me.

Lonny smirked against my kiss-swollen lips, grazing the curves of my breasts with his thumbs before lowering his head and biting between them through the thin cotton. I squirmed under him, moaning as I dug my nails into his back. By now, my thoughts were a series of fucks…

One of his hands slid down my torso, between my legs, and I sighed heavily and arched my spine as he steadily applied pressure with the palm of his hand.

I whimpered, holding his neck before my body tensed and my legs shook.

“ **Lonny** ,” I whispered under a labored breath. I didn’t even notice my eyes were closed until I opened them to watch the fire dance in his eyes amidst yellow light filling the open room. He made a sound of acknowledgement, but he was determined…

His hand gently slid into my shorts and thong, and I couldn’t help but moan abruptly when his fingers slid against my clit. I loved his hands…

“ **You owe me** ,” He whispered back.

I nodded, sliding a leg around his waist. I damn sure wasn’t about to say no…

He started off slow at first, thumb rolling in circular motions as he pressed two of his fingers at my opening, making my body involuntarily rock against his hand for more. He moaned, admiring how wet I was before pushing my shirt up and biting one of my nipples. I hissed and shivered and squirmed and reached down between us and gripped his dick through his sweats, watching the way his eyes closed and mouth parted above me.

“ **Fuck, Billie…** ” he cursed, biting his lip.

I was close.

So close.

Lonny waited until the last possible moment to slide his fingers inside me, curving them upward… I trembled and struggled and writhed and grabbed him and jerked him and closed my eyes tight and moaned and squirmed and surrendered.

My orgasm was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I didn’t have too much time to relish before I heard his phone ring. My legs shook almost angrily as he sighed, getting up to answer and I figured it was probably Kelly from the topic of conversation. I heard the shower start and I knew that popcorn was all we had time for this morning.

Maybe it was too early for steak.

That didn’t stop me from being frustrated, though.

He had to go shortly after that, and I decided that I might as well get dressed and head out to do some shopping for my birthday dress.

It had been a while since I spent some time with Tyler so he offered to drive.

**Lon**

the week after your party, you’re all mine. don’t plan anything.

 

**Bee**

ay ay, captain ;-) longitude and latitude?

 

**Lon**

somewhere majestic. minimal clothing encouraged, haha. i’ve never been either.

I knew that minimal to him would be none to me, and I was very okay with that, already excited by the idea of being able to spend a week with him in an exotic place with no interruptions. I sent him a row of happy emojis before going back to sorting my possible party ensembles.

By the end of this week I would be done running around, letting everything run its course until the big day. Everything and everybody was in place. I was proud of me. Despite running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past few weeks, I hadn’t gone crazy.

On my actual birthday, Kelly and Clancy planned another little dinner at their house, kinda like the pre-party for those who wouldn’t be old enough to come to the official one. They had a thing for those. It was gonna be pretty casual, like usual, so I wasn’t too worried about what I was gonna wear to that.

Snapping a few funny pictures of Ty modeling my possible dress, shoes and accessory combinations, I sent them to Lonny just for my amusement. He had impeccable style, but it was pretty simple as well compared to mine. Lonny got off on brands more than anything, whereas I was all about expressing myself as much as I possibly could – no matter how borderline eccentric and inexpensive it turned out to be.

We kinda worked in that way...complimented each other.

**Bee**

pick one!

 

**Lon**

tyler is an idiot. the blue joint looks nice on him tho so that one lmao. you’ll be in your element. also, it looks very tempting...very you. haha.

But one thing was for sure – he knew me well. After almost four years…he better.

I couldn’t help but laugh at how predictable we both were sometimes. The dress in question was short and form fitting and flirty and sparkly and and my favorite, and yes, blue, with a lot of possible cleavage; leaving him much to admire throughout the night. If…I got through the night without him trying to kidnap me.

I knew him well. So I knew there was a strong possibility of that. Even though I didn’t know when exactly he would strike.

I wasn’t gonna say no, though.


	6. pink matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is real-deal smut. mmhm. the whole chapter, really.

The sun hurt my eyes even through my lids, so I knew it was pretty late. I should’ve been up, but I was too comfortable, and nothing the day had in store for me could be better than where I was.

I shifted closer to him, nuzzling my face into his strong, bare shoulder to hide from the light and he responded, shifting closer too. Our legs tangled more, making me smile – our bodies involuntarily aligned, even when we’re half conscious... I’ve been laying here so long, I’ve become the rise and fall of his chest. There’s so much on my mind, so much I need to do, but I can’t leave this bed and give up this peaceful moment in his arms.

His scent is all over my sheets, my room…

Tyler made sure to point that out yesterday when he came over to chill, wanting to talk to me about his most recent phone call with our hero, knowing that I would be more excited for him than anyone else. The scent of Ferrari threw him off topic as soon as he stepped foot in my room after our trip to the mall, though. Anybody else would’ve reprimanded me, hurt at the fact they didn’t know me and Lonny reached that point but T just smiled knowingly before changing the subject, ignoring the rush of blood to my face. It almost made me feel guilty about how many of my secrets became Tyler’s secrets – but he always noticed. And he knew I would do the same if he ever needed me to.

Lonny stretched under me, muttering in sleepy baritone that he had to take a leak so I rolled over on my back and opened my eyes, silently cursing the brightness while watching him move across the room to my en suite. I stared, unashamed, admiring the color of his skin and the way his back flexes until he’s out of view and all I could do is hear the toilet flush and the water run.

I was almost asleep when I felt arms sliding around me again, his beard tickling my skin as his lips planted traveling kisses up my shoulder as well as another kind of touch... I curved my back, pressing my ass against his morning wood, making him breathe deeply against my skin accidentally on purpose because that’s what I wanna do. I’m coveted in cologne and strength and spearmint and warmth I’m tempted. I’m always tempted. I knew being 21 would come with challenges but not so early in the game.

Last night was one of them.

Lonny came over after a really late session at the studio with knots in his shoulder blades, stressed, somewhere between drunk and tipsy. I was half asleep, but I mustered up some energy to let him in and make us both some tea. He complimented my nightie, making me self-conscious about how short it was as I shyly brushed him off. He just smirked and sipped his Earl Grey. I sat in his lap, and we stayed there enjoying each other’s company in comfortable silence for a while.

I helped him up the stairs to my bedroom and for the sake of his disoriented balance took most of his clothes off, determined to listen to my mind and just sleep but his hand found its way around the back of my neck, causing my body to take over. Before I knew it, we were lip-locked and one of my hands was below the waistband of his briefs. Lonny’s abdomen flexed under me, and his labored breaths and muffled groans made me feel very giving…

I owed him, anyway.

So I threw caution to the wind and planted a few soft kisses down his torso with my kiss-swollen lips, eventually letting them take over what I started. The moon illuminated my room through thin IKEA curtains, casting a soft glow over everything – including us.  My abrupt decision to please him that way made his body tense, overwhelmed. I whispered the word relax into the darkness. He was hot cocoa and marshmallows to my taste buds, urging me to continue, craving more warm sweetness. He didn’t disappoint.

Lonny throbbed and grunted and groaned and frowned and pulled at my curls as fucks littered the air and he shuddered like the edges of his soul were on fire and came while I watched with wide eyes and hands between my own thighs, wanting to be where he was.

He offered to return the favor and, even though I was smoldering, tempted by the huskiness tone and possibilities of his voice, I knew he was exhausted. Him promising to make it up to me was the last thing he did before the sandman came and took him far away. I waited until his breathing slowed, moving onto my back, trying not to squirm too hard or tremble too roughly or moan or scream as I rode my hand with the taste of him still in my mouth until I came and my hips were sore and my fingers were tired all I wanted to do was sleep.

Skin still burning; I gently wiggled myself into his arms. Lonny slept peacefully and so did I.

The sun was high, but scenes from last night were still on my mind.

“ **Morning baby,** ” he murmured, licking his lips so close to my skin that I feel the contact of his tongue against the crook of my neck.

His hands were restless and wanting.

“ **Hi,** ” I whispered back, smiling as the thought of getting used to this crossed my mind. I could only hope I’d be so lucky. Maybe I’d wish for that as I blew out the candles.

“ **Happy birthday**.” He replied, and I hear the smile on his face too. He didn’t even seem as hungover as he probably should be but knowing Lonny, he probably popped some Chaser before indulging. I didn’t even get a chance to thank him before his phone softly buzzed inside a pool of denim, making him pull away from me for a second to check it. I took that as my cue to get up, wash my face and brush my teeth.

I knew as soon as I turned mine on it would probably explode but I’m enjoying this peace. The smile on my face when I saw myself in the mirror was the testament that it could wait, and it would.

I slid back into bed right as he tossed his electric leash back into the pile of clothes on the floor and I took his arm, catching him off guard, pulling him in between my legs to kiss him, peck him, and kiss him again, caught off guard by the passion.

“ **Mornings are your thing, right?** ” He asked dangerously, sending my libido sky high as I watched the mirth dance in his eyes. He was up to something and I was down for anything. Smirking, I slid my legs up the sides of his body.

“ **Why, you got something in mind?** ”

I shuddered as his hands cupped my breasts, squeezing roughly as he bit down the center of my body through silk.

“ **Mmhm. I owe you.** ”

The world melted away around us by the time his head was between my legs. I was still just as bare underneath, much to his convenience. Lonny’s eyes stayed locked with mine as he bit and sucked my inner thighs, making me squirm and whimper in anticipation. He smiled, pulling his neck back to admire his work before sliding a hand around one of my hips to keep me still. I rested my hand against the top of his head and rocked my hips forward a little, making him laugh and tighten his grip authoritatively.

“ **Keep still, birthday girl.** ”

At this point I was seeing red. This should be illegal in all 50 states plus Hawaii and Alaska.

He slid a finger into me, testing the waters before smirking and whispering how much he was looking forward to this against the crease of my thigh. My back arched roughly and I clawed at the sheets.

“ **Don’t tease me.** ” I moaned, already fighting the urge to snap my legs shut around his head, looking down at him in between my eyes opening and closing. His soft lips grazed one of his creations littering my inner leg, trailed up my skin and added another finger inside me, curving it while he saw fit to give me another bruise on my hip, marking me…

Telling me I was his without saying a word.

I wanted to climb up the fucking wall, or pray, or curl up into fetal position – something. He was so intense.

I tried to squirm away but he just sharply pulled me back by my ankle, making a sound of displeasure and pinning one of my wrists to the bed before wrapping his lips around my clit, tugging softly.

My brain was fuzzy.

His tongue was a series flicks and circles and figure eights by the time my hips started to rise off the bed. I was calling him and God and writhing and pulling at my own hair and dripping and close.

Lonny curved his fingers, keeping even pressure, staring up at me. I couldn’t be still. My breathing was shallow.

“ **You taste good, birthday girl…** ” He whispered coyly, pushing one of my legs up to keep me still and open me up more to him as he switched, teasing my opening with his tongue and rubbing my clit with the back of his thumb. The word birthday was gonna make me shudder all day.

My breath caught in my throat, eyes closed so tight by now that I was beginning to see colors. He just kept going, eventually sliding his tongue inside me.

Instinct took over.

I reached down, grabbing his ears while rocking my hips. Lonny’s hand rubbed faster, catching the cue of my body’s impending doom when my legs started to tremble and attempt to close, slightly choking him.

I twisted and trembled and shuddered and pleaded and rocked and pushed him and dug my nails into his shoulder and cried out and moaned and raked my nails across the top of his head and orgasmed, screaming his name and cursing as I hit my peak. In the midst of that, he wrapped a hand around my neck, gently squeezing as he slid his fingers back into me, tapping my spot, urging me to cum harder and I did – the sudden asphyxiation not only quieting me but sending me sailing over the edge of a figurative cliff, mouth open.

I didn’t think it was possible to feel this good.

“ **Feels good, baby?** ” He taunted, reading my mind. He sounded far away.

I felt like I was flying. The sun was high and so was I.

The tingles went on for a while, until my body got tired and limp and blood rushed between my legs, making me swollen and lightheaded while my thighs quivered in fear of another orgasm of that caliber.

Fuck.

He slid up my body, smiling as he kissed the damp skin of my neck and my heart pounded quickly against my ribcage.

I didn’t know what to say.

My face was on fire.

Lonny kissed me and I moaned at the taste of myself, gripping the back of his neck to further explore with a tepid tongue. He grunted throatily, wrapping my leg around him. My hands slid down the swell of his chest, down his abs, eager…

His phone vibrated, throwing off our frequencies.

I whined for thirty more minutes like a pouting child, not-so-secretly wanting to toss that fucking thing into a lake. By the look on his face, so did he.

He sighed, giving me an apologetic look before rolling off me to answer it.

“ **You have bad – no, horrible timing.** ” The edge in Lonny’s voice was nothing compared to the way he was looking back at me, sitting on the edge of the bed. I raised an eyebrow before pressing my knees together and sitting up, not wanting to tempt him beyond his own means.

I heard infectious, borderline annoying laughter coming from the other end so it had to be Tyler. I made a mental note to punch him the next time I saw him.

 _You were fucking? Haha, sick,_ I heard.

Of course he would find it cool that he was being a cockblock. I shook my head. I slid away to the bathroom carefully, turning on the shower.

“ **Was there a point to this phone call?** ” I heard him quip, making me laugh. He would probably be in a bad mood all day which could either be extremely amusing to me if he controlled himself or dangerous if he decided he wanted to chase his prey.

I didn’t have to think too much about which one I wanted. But there’d be more time for that, which was the only reason why I was finding it a little easier to keep a straight head every time we were interrupted.

With secrets came consequences and, I always had to remind myself that any time I had with Lonny was stolen for now, because for the most part no one knew it was mine – and no one would, until we were ready. He had a hard time dealing with that, though.

Just because I understood, didn’t mean that I wasn’t just as frustrated.

Each time we took one step further, there was a call or a text or a visit or something that had me anxious as shit for this get away even though I had no idea where we were going.

We just had different ways of dealing with things.

There was some shuffling of clothes and a few _uh huh_ s before he joined me, half-dressed.

“ **Well, Tyler’s about to be on his way with Kelly & Chloe, since your phone’s off. That was the head’s up.**” He grabbed his toothbrush, furrowing his brow at himself in the mirror like he always did as he brushed his teeth, rubbing his beard – probably thinking about shaving it.

All I could think about was how good it felt against my thighs.

Lonny smirked.

“ **Daydreaming about me?** ”

I blushed. Sometimes I hated how easy it was for him to read me.

“ **Hurry up and brush your teeth so you can get out,** ” I chided, pushing him playfully. Steam was starting to fog up the glass. He chuckled, rinsing his mouth with his favorite mouthwash before pulling me to him, causing me to shiver at how warm his hands on my ass felt even between the silk, pecking me a few times. I licked my lips of the spearmint taste and smiled, gripping his lower back.

“ **See you at the party.** ”

“ **See you.** ” The lingering look in his eyes told me the last thing he wanted to do was go. But he had to.

I leaned against the counter, watching him pull his shoes and shirt back on, grabbing his keys and leaving; his scent everywhere.

Including me.


	7. we all try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> billie never has great birthdays.

“ **So, you’re just not gonna talk to me?** ”

“ **That’s exactly what I plan on doing, Frank.** ” I heard him breathe a sigh of relief. His attempts to talk to me the past few hours had warranted absolute silence, so a response from me was definitely a step up. I didn’t bother to look up from my book, though. I wasn’t in the mood then – stewing in the same anger I’d been feeling since my disaster of a party – and I still wasn’t in the mood now to converse, especially with half of the problem.

With a little less than five more hours until we landed wherever the fuck we were headed to, this private jet had me trapped in it with all its luxuries and privacy and him.

A part of me just wished he’d leave me alone to Harry Potter. In peace.

But I had to give it to him, he was persistent.

I ignored Lonny through the turbulence, even though I hated planes. Harry was yelling at his aunt but in the back of my mind, the thought of being so high up in the air did nothing but give me nausea like a motherfucker. He left me alone for a while after that, silently admiring my dedication and staring at his gold watch.

I zoned out by the time the Knight Bus rolled around and saved our young protagonist, taking him to the only place he felt at home with my mind too wrapped up on what went wrong…

_The party was in full swing and I still felt like Cinderella, even with the dull ache settling in the arches of my feet. My prince was in some far corner with a glass of something strong and brown like himself, shirt half buttoned by now and his eyes full of wonder; probably watching me twirl around in my glass slippers... My smile was high for him, wherever he was. I had a few more rounds to make before I was all his._

_My eyes cut to Tyler, laying comfortably on one of the club’s many couches with a woman by his side that I recognized but couldn’t remember where from, both of them all smiles. He was initially annoyed that he had to wear something that wasn’t a t-shirt and some jeans but a source informed me that he managed to find some pretty girl to entertain, melting away all his bad vibes._

_T was definitely a sucker for attention._

_He caught my eye at the last possible moment and responded to my smirk by flipping me off in good spirit, making the girl and I, laugh more. I was glad he was having a good time. Plus, he looked good in adult clothes. He’d thank me later…if, he bagged her. All signs were pointing to yes._

_Even Chris managed to show his face, opting to bring one of his friends as a date._

_I honestly didn't expect him to come after I told him that Kace would be there with Michael, knowing they weren't on the best of terms. I was happy to see him though. Her and Chris seemed to be actively avoiding speaking each other all night which was weird, but I appreciated their efforts to make this night as smooth as possible.  
_

_I scanned the room looking for where Kacie and Alex walked off to. After being cornered by virtually everybody, and an embarrassingly lengthy round of pictures with anyone with a camera including press and paps and my family and my extended families and Lonny, who was too drunk enough to bother to not stare at me like I was a full course meal, I was ready for some girl talk._

**_Lonny_ **

_am i unwillingly involved in a hide and seek game?_

 

**_Bee_ **

_depends…am i winning? ;-)_

 

**_Lonny_ **

_took 4 tries to spell “unwillingly” so yes. tease._

_The night had already been filled with textual banter back and forth between the both of us and now that the party was coming to an end, Lonny was getting restless. And drunk. I wasn’t too far behind with my rosy cheeks – due to the celebratory coming-of-age shots everyone kept thrusting my way – but he had way more time to get acquainted with the bar than I did._

_I finally reached the girls again; pulling them away from Michael to his dismay, planning on catching Alex up to what she’d caught wind of after talking to Chris earlier before something told me to turn around…_

_“How’s everybody tonight?”_

_Everybody in the club’s attention seemed to gravitate toward the low-eyed singer. His voice was butter as he took a knife, gently spreading it across the room and completely changing the atmosphere. If looks could kill, I would’ve been somewhere riding him until a series of orgasms, or, little deaths, as the Sicilians call it. God, he looked good in that suit…_

_He smiled shyly at the enthusiastic response, nodding, “that’s good. Glad to hear it.”_

_Glass in one hand and mic in the other, he continued, peering out into the crowd until he locked eyes on little old love struck me. Lonny smiled that smile, that smile that only I knew, before pointing at me with the only finger he could spare without dropping his drink._

_“Put a light on the birthday girl. Doesn’t she look amazing?”_

_I was blushing like crazy by now under the hot lights._

_“I’m glad you all came out tonight. We’re celebrating such a beautiful, amazing being. I’m happy to be here. And not just for the great bar selection, or that dress…” He smirked, musing._

_In that moment I could hear the dreamy sighs and laughs and whoops and cheers. They were just eating it up…and so was I. Right out of the palm of his hand._

_Lonny, the charmer._

_“I’m honored, to have had the pleasure of knowing you, and watching you grow into the woman you are. Here’s to three years of friendship, Bil’…and many more. Cheers.”_

_Alex had an extra drink in her hand so I took it, winking at him as we all raised our glasses, a chorus of cheers erupting before silence and more applause._

_I didn’t think my heart could melt anymore until he didn’t budge from his spot on stage, instead, setting his now empty glass down on the piano behind him as he walked to it, sitting down at the stool and sliding out of his blazer._

_“Tonight’s a special night, so, I have a little song I wanna sing before you blow out those candles.”_

_He peered out from under his lashes and smiled before taking a breath, and out came a highly sexualized version of the birthday song._

_Filled with as many vocal twists and turns that someone as talented as Lonny could pull off as effortlessly as he did, sending the crowd into a frenzy of screaming women…_

_I wasn’t sure if that was the appropriate time to feel as lucky as I did, but, watching the mischief dance in his eyes for me, I was excited. And happy. His brow furrowed as his fingers gently stroked the keys…_

_I was so lucky. No doubts about that._

_I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, so I didn’t._

_Somewhere in between his beautiful rendition, a cake in the shape of my company’s logo had been placed before me littered with candles._

_Tyler threw his arm around my shoulder, grinning like a Cheshire cat, probably reading my mind as I stared at the fire. In a span of a month I got everything I could wish for. The flames danced as everyone crowded around me, waiting…_

_A familiar hand slid into mine as discreetly as it could manage, making me look back and meet eyes with him, smiling._

_“Help me out?” I asked them both._

_We blew out the candles on the count of three. The rest of the night went off without a hitch. Everybody was filing out of the venue and I was at the door, laughing it up with Kelly before I heard it._

_“Yo, back the fuck up off me.”_

_“What’s goin’ on over here ain’t have shit to do with you, bruh. Chill.”_

_“Calm down…”_

_I turned around to see Frank and Chris all up in each other’s faces, giving me the worst case of deja vu. The girl Tyler had been laughing with all night was trying to wedge herself between them and ol’ reliable T was sitting in a chair nearby on his phone, not here for it at all. As if on cue, Kelly rolled her eyes and nudged her head over to the potential blood bath._

_I worked my way through the crowd, trying not to make even more of a scene as I walked over, already fed up._

_“Seriously?” I asked, incredulously. Chris just backed up, shaking his head._

_“I came over here to ask Sev’ if she was ready to go. That’s it. Then homeboy came strollin’ over here like he got a problem.”_

_I looked over at Lonny and his clenched jaw, raising my brows. His_ _expression didn’t change – the stubborn streak in him being egged on by all the liquor in his system._

_Tyler got up, sensing the rise of my anger. He put his arm around my shoulder again for comfort, before doing some type of weird fist pound with Chris and winking at who I now recognized to be Sevyn from Chris’ label. I had to give it to Tyler, he had taste._

_“Everything was chill, dude. Maybe he came over to see if I was good, which I was. Just drop it.”_

_This picking fights shit was starting to get old really fast._

_Chris and Sevyn said their goodbyes. Kacie and Alex left with Mikey, and even Tyler managed to slip away, leaving me and Lonny by ourselves._

_I didn’t even wanna look at him._

_He opened his mouth to speak and possibly plead his case but I just put my hand up before leaving him standing there alone._

“ **Billie…** ” I turned to look at him.

“ **Tell me why I’m mad at you or leave me alone until you figure it out. Pick one**.”

Guilt was written all over his face. Checking my watch, I noted that we had about three hours left to hash this shit out.

“ **Yes**.” Lonny chided, observing my reaction before gently moving to the empty seat next to me, throwing me off. I shifted away, putting my book down and narrowed my eyes at him trying to penetrate my personal space.

“ **You’re not even taking me seriously**!”

He moved the armrest up from between us, smirking.

“ **I am** ,” he responded, a little too quickly. “ **You’re just cute when you’re angry…** ”

“ **And then you do that, act like I’m supposed to just get over it, like, it’s water under the bridge now and I’m just say all is well and run back into your arms even if you’re wro** –”

I was cut off by the feeling of his lips against mine, turning the rest of my rambling thoughts into one incoherent mumble.

Shit.

I really didn’t wanna give in, but my mind going blank worked in his favor. All my reasons for being pissed were valid, I just…couldn’t remember them at the moment…

My heart was racing.

Kryptonite came with its own free will.

Lonny pulled back slowly, our foreheads still touching.

“ **I fucked up, I’m sorry for being a dick and I promise I’ll make it up to you**.” I sighed heavily, mumbling whatever Lonny as I pecked him again before sliding into his arms and sinking into his scent.

He put his chin on my head, chuckling as he kissed through my hair, probably noting how he was now Lonny to me again. He knew I hated being undermined but he also knew how well at it he was and how often he got away with it.

This relationship thing was really gonna make it even harder to resist.

“ **I’m serious. Speaking of Sirius, how was your book**?” I rolled my eyes playfully, jabbing him in the side with a finger while I slid into his lap. By now we were both laughing. I remember the first time he told me that joke.

“ **Amazing, actually. You should make me mad more often; maybe I’ll finally finish my fall reading list**.”

“ **Well, reading is fundamental…nshit**.”

He smirked and kissed my neck, making me giggle. Fuck him and his wit and his kisses and his beard and his lap and him for making me feel so girly and comfortable and beautiful and _his_.

We stayed like that for the next few hours.

I was almost asleep before he shifted, whispering in my ear.

“ **Look out the window, baby. Welcome to Bora Bora…** ”


	8. sweet life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which is billie a cultured hoe.

Aside being jet-lagged like a motherfucker, I felt like I was in Heaven. My phone already recognized I was somewhere new even though my body didn’t and time sprung back to three hours ago. The sun was high, but the breeze was strong and full of sea salt as it tousled my hair. Bora Bora had to be the equivalent of Heaven on Earth. Lonny had his camera around his neck, snapping pictures of the beautiful scenery as we rode on the back of golf cart to where we would be staying for the next few days, even catching a few of me rubbing the tiredness out of my eyes. I had to be dreaming. And if I wasn’t, I couldn’t help but agree with that age-old saying; the grass was greener on the other side. And the blues were bluer. The pinks were more vivid and rosy. Color porn was everywhere and my eyes were orgasmic.

We were in paradise, stuffed away on a little island.

We got to the _St. Regis Resort_ and checked in. As soon as they verified Lonny’s reservations, we were escorted to a beautiful, private estate right on its own part of the beach. I was barely listening to the attendant as we walked through it, only catching her sunny greeting of _la ora na_ , in awe that Lonny could trouble me and go through so much trouble for me within the same twenty four hours. It wasn’t the first time…

_I adjusted my black gown and chords in the bathroom mirror, not even bothering to look up at my puffy eyes or my more-than-likely smeared makeup even though I knew at some point before my speech, I needed to touch it up. Scenes of last night seemed to be mocking me on what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, making it hard to focus on anything good, my commencement pamphlet still on the floor. Moving to Los Angeles and transferring from the University of Illinois to the Academy Of Art University to work with Odd Future seemed to be a great move at the time, but tears told otherwise._

_I couldn’t stop crying._

_I ignored everyone’s stares and whispers, but it wasn’t hard to know I was being talked about._

_I knew my mom and Ang would be in the crowd, along with Chris and Kacie and Alex and Barry and Kelly and Clancy and Tyler and Gia, even though she was mad at me, but he wouldn’t be there. And for some reason, that hurt the most._

_I think it may have been how we left things._

_My graduation brunch was still on my mind at Gia and I’s year anniversary dinner that night, so I was blissful. We were at the loveliest Asian restaurant, drinking some expensive wine, celebrating success and us. Gia was so proud of me. We were laughing about something, waiting for dessert before Lonny sent me the most cryptic fucking text. All it did was immediately make me distant and anxious and worried and Gia noticed, almost as if she was waiting to pick a fight that night._

_She didn’t like the reason why. She never did._

_She also was furious that after she gave me the choice of enjoying the rest of the night with her or ‘betraying our relationship by going to meddle in shit that didn’t involve me’ – her words, I picked the latter. Lonny was always there to pick me up off the floor and no matter what, I’d promised him that I’d do the same._

_I told her I loved her, but I had to. She didn’t understand. She wanted to yell and cause a scene but I left her there to do that herself. Then I caught a cab and promised him double the fee if he could get me to Lon’s place in a hurry._

_Time couldn’t move fast enough._

_The elevator was on some God forsaken floor when I got there, so I took to the stairs in glittery five inch platforms and a white, long sleeved bodycon dress that was hard to move in, trench coat already ditched. I heard a door slam before I could get out of the stairway. Out of breath when I got to his floor but still in a rush, I almost missed the sight of Willy’s guilty eyes._

_Almost._

_He knocked into me accidentally, I assumed, trying to avoid me after seeing the hurry I was in. He knew where I was going, and he knew why – the luxury I had yet to be given – so he attempted to keep his head low. But fate has a funny way of working sometimes._

_He mumbled something filled with accent marks before offering an apology, still in the same clothes from earlier. I couldn’t be bothered to respond._

_The hallway was icy._

_I opened my clutch, fishing in it clumsily for the spare key I had in my possession before shoving it into the lock, almost wrenching the door open when I heard it click._

_The apartment was dark, but I could still see the sadness in Everest’s eyes as he bounded toward me. I leaned down, scratching behind his ear, heartbroken by the sound of his whimpers._

_It didn’t take me long to find his owner._

_Lonny was shirtless, sitting on the edge of his bed with a bottle in his hand._

_Staring at his feet._

_I didn’t even know what to say. I walked closer after kicking my shoes off, throwing my coat against the back of the couch, the smell of whiskey in the air._

_“Why am I never enough for people, huh?” He asked, clawing at the dryness of his throat as his voice cracked, deciding right then to take another swig. His words were slurred. Glass, probably of another whiskey bottle judging from how strong the smell was, littered the carpet. His knuckles were swollen._

_I was already crying. His eyes met mine and they were empty._

_“Lonny, you’re someone’s everything.” I had to keep myself from full-out sobbing. Seeing him like this made my stomach churn in guilt – especially because I was talking about myself…_

_He laughed with no humor, shaking his head._

_“No, I’m not…” I slid around the glass, sitting next to him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He tensed at first, before sighing and reluctantly relaxing into my touch. I pressed my lips to his shoulder, finally seeing the spots where the bottle and his fist had hit the wall._

_“You are.”_

_He unexpectedly unraveled from me, standing and looking at me incredulously before taking his final swig and exploding._

_“How could you say that to me, and lie to my fucking face?! Huh?! I love him, and it’s not enough! I love you, and it’s not enough!” I flinched at the loud growl his voice had been reduced to. Everest barked in the other room._

_He stood there, waiting on me to say something but I couldn’t talk through bawling my eyes out. I wasn’t sure if I loved him. And if I was, I wouldn’t admit it. It could change everything…_

_“I’m here, don’t you see me? I’m here. Isn’t that enough?” He threw on a shirt and some shoes, grabbing his car keys._

_“No, Billie. It’s not.”_

_He left me there, slamming the door so hard that one of his picture frames dismembered and shattered in pieces against the dresser underneath._

_I cried myself to sleep in his bed. And when I woke up in the middle of the afternoon, he still wasn’t there._

_I didn’t plan on going to my own graduation. I didn’t wanna see anyone. They were looking for me, Gia was frantic and suspicious and probably told them that I went to Lonny’s that night. Tyler came to my rescue._

_If there’s one thing he knew for sure, it was that as much as I wanted to lay in that bed and worry myself sick I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint the people who loved me and wanted to witness me walk across a stage and into a new chapter of my life. He drove me back to my apartment, and Gia didn’t say a word to me as I got ready with Tyler already dressed and waiting on the couch._

_The sight of him staring at me that way, like I was the physical manifestation of his broken heart, before he left me to live with it, was plastered on every wall in my brain like posters designed to torment me._

_I knew he wouldn’t be in the crowd when I looked out. And I couldn’t blame him._

_So when it came time for me to start my valedictorian speech, I didn’t expect for my introduction to be interrupted by a brigade of delivery men, carrying large bouquets of white roses. I seemed to be the only one surprised…_

_I heard Vanity – second in the class – behind me whisper, “holy shit, is that Frank Ocean?”_

_My phone buzzed. Everybody was still anticipating my reaction, so I took a slight intermission to check it…_

**_Lonny_ **

_i love you and i’m sorry. i’m so proud of you. i’m here. and i hope that’s enough._

 

**_Lonny_ **

_look to your right_

_He looked just as bad as me, bags under his eyes, tired, but he was there, dressed to the nines in an Armani suit he’d been planning on wearing to my graduation for months now. Our eyes met before I couldn’t see him very good through my tears._

Of course I would be in the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen with my own eyes but still amazed by the man next to me. But he was amazing, and he matched this place perfectly.

The small middle-aged woman guiding us talked for what seemed to be hours as we toured, alternating between speaking English and mostly French, enabling me to become somewhat of a translator as we trailed behind, and I was excited to finally be in a place I could really put four years of learning French as an extra curriculum to use. I looked over at Lonny’s smirking face…he knew he was just racking up all the cool points he lost last night. I rolled my eyes half-heartedly.

Anyway.

She introduced herself as Marie, the head of housekeeping of just the Royal Estate, and we had a very casually informative conversation about her services in her native tongue before she was back to tour business.

The crèmes and off-whites and wood with pops of color surrounding us reminded me of my own home, very neutral, but everything was just so much more…well-placed – the decor screamed island getaway. There were fresh flowers in every room that got switched out daily, lots of windows and glass doors strategically placed to see and access either the stunningly turquoise beach waves or the private pool on the center of the property. The long black dining room table adjacent one of the most amazing kitchens and living rooms I’d ever seen (except for Lonny’s) fit to seat more than just the two of us made me feel a twinge of guilt, wishing that we were at a place to be able to share with our friends and family without the threat of being under everyone else’s magnifying glass. There was a sun room, a private spa, a sun deck, three bedrooms, an office, two living rooms, a bar…

Everyone knew I was in Bora Bora as a birthday gift from Lonny, but only a few of them knew he was here with me. And even then, they thought it was just a joint vacation as friends – me to relax, and him to write for his next album.

Anyone else would’ve told you he was hiding out in London. Which we would be, in seven days.

But none of them knew where we were staying exactly…and that was on purpose. Would’ve been hard to keep the half-truths going if it slipped we were going to be at a place that was dubbed honeymoon central for celebrities.

“ **Et c'est la bedroom, très belle et confortable...votre compagnon a dit vous sera dépenser beaucoup de temps ici**.” Marie chided after commending me on my pronunciation as we passed through the master bed and bath. Lonny looked at me with his brows raised, partially confused and partially humored by the color rising in my face. My eyes lingered over the huge canopy bed.

“ **Lonny, you’re such a dick - s'il obtient son um…moyen, oui**.” Marie laughed, directing us back out after showing us the jacuzzi tub.

“ **What I do now**?”

“ **You told them that we’d…be spending a lot of time in here** ,” I mumbled, playfully shoving him for emphasis. He just laughed, catching his balance before rubbing the back of his neck. Leave it to Lonny to make it seem like we’re some type of freaks.

“ **Oh** .” He replied guiltily, a curious smile spread across his face. “ **And what’d you say** **?** ”

“ **That if you get your way, we’ll never leave**.”

The look he gave me in response to that confirmed some of my suspicions so I said a little prayer for myself.

We got back to the entrance where Marie left with a smile, almost singing the word enjoy before leaving a coy looking Lonny and I standing in the middle of what I believed to be the foyer. I wasn’t even sure I’d ever been in a house with a foyer before, but it was amazing. Everything was simple, but beautiful.

Lonny gently pulled me to him by the belt loops of my shorts, kissing the tip of my nose and making my legs jelly as I sunk into the contours of his body before wrapping my arms around his neck.

“ **You like it** **?** ”

“ **Oui** ,” I nodded, kissing him.

“ **Good**.” He picked me up bridal style, making me scream in surprise while he carried me down the long hall and through some doors to our room, laughing as he tossed me on the bed. I was still bouncing when he climbed over me with his camera, taking flicks of the giggling mass I’d become in a sea of the softest red covers. We were playing around on a comforter I knew to be about a grand a pop due to my secret addiction to home decor. Was this how celebrities really coped? Days wouldn’t be as bad if I was waking up to some shit like this.

I swatted up at his lens before giving in and serving him a few bed Vogue poses.

Lonny ditched the camera, chuckling as he lowered his mouth against mine. I grabbed his hips, urging his body down and adjusting so he was lying between my legs. His lips tasted like spearmint and salt water. He pulled back reluctantly, eyes darting around any part of my face they could, staring at me like I was air with a victorious smile on his face. He took my furrowed brows and rosy cheeks as the cue to explain.

“ **I just wanted to document the exact moment you stopped being mad at me**.”

I stifled a yawn, adding afterwards; “ **...how can I? This place is fucking amazing**.”

Yeah sure, I was about to fall asleep on the flight but I thought all that was over once I absorbed some vitamin C from the sun.  These sheets had to be some type of magical. Or the fact that I was running on fumes because I hadn’t been to sleep in two days was starting to catch up with me. Or both.

“ **You wanna take a nap**?”

“ **I don’t wanna go to sleeeeep…I wanna stay up with youuuuu**.” I whined, squirming around in bed as he meticulously took off my clothes until I yawned again, obviously comfortable.

“ **Sleep. I’m not going anywhere**.”

Lonny kissed my forehead, tucking me in, and before I could protest anymore I was out like a light.


	9. nature feels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut galore. this baecation shaping up!

I woke up to the smell of breakfast and the sound of the beach.

Lonny appeared from what seemed to be out of nowhere with some of the most delicious looking food ever, and I couldn’t help but be distracted by him, laughing at the way he could still look simply dressed and expensive as fuck at the same time. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes before staring at him in amusement, noting his half buttoned short sleeved white button up shirt, gold peeking through from against his skin, shorts and flip flops, and his watch… He sat the tray down carefully on the edge of the bed before moving my limp bangs, kissing my forehead and welcoming me back from dreamland.

We ate breakfast in comfortable silence.

After stuffing my face, I took to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. I was in the middle of brushing my hair when my phone buzzed.

**Angela**

Question…

 

**Billie**

…uh, sure…

For Angie to be my older sister, she rarely ever checked up on me. Unless it was to manipulate me into helping her with something or a way to make me look bad, we barely spoke. Things didn’t always use to be like that…

Mom was proud, and although I always asked her not to, she rubbed my success in Ang’s face and simultaneously started a rift between us in the process... It went on like that from high school, through my college graduation.

Things were starting to get better by the summertime, around when I started to plan my 21st, and she even offered to help me out with the arrangements. Even though I suspected it was something in it for her, I said yes anyway; hoping that us bonding would erase years of arguments…then her and mother decided that the soirée was all about them and eighty sixed most of my plans. We argued about that too until I just said fuck it and cancelled for good. Fast forward to a call from both of them at seven o’clock in the morning a little less than a month ago…we all know how that ended up.

I was combing through my wet hair, hoping that this text wasn’t the in the same vein of everything else she was known for.

**Angela**

Are you and Frank Ocean in the same place right now?

 

**Billie**

no. is that all?

I gripped the handle tighter. If there was one person I should’ve been able to trust, it should be my own flesh and blood. But I knew better. Angela would sell me to the wolves if she ever got the chance.

**Angela**

Yep. Have fun.

Lonny kissed my invisible wounds and made them better, telling me not to worry. That today was gonna be amazing, and to smile. Before I could find time to think about it anymore, he asked to take a dip in the pool with me.

It was partly cloudy in _Bora Bora_ so we didn’t have to worry about baking under the sun, even though it was pretty warm and super bright.

The ocean breeze was just as crisp and welcoming as it was when we first got there.

We spent the whole afternoon splashing around and sipping fruity drinks laced with alcohol. The sun was just about to set when he realized I was nursing my third Long Island iced tea.

“ **Hey, you can drink legally now, huh**?” Lonny mused, peacefully floating on the surface of the pool with something round and filled with air with a little red drink in his free hand. He ditched his shirt and the shorts and the shoes by now and replaced them with some green swim trunks, so now instead of looking like the mayor of a private island he looked like a beach bum.

But a cute beach bum.

My beach bum. I smiled to myself at that.

Then I adjusted the strings on my white bikini, attempting to avoid tan lines on my shoulders before throwing him a lazy side eye from my seat on the side of the pool, phone in one hand and drink in the other. I was buzzed but not enough to cloud my judgment.

“ **Yeah, but you shouldn’t**.”

His brow furrowed in amusement. “ **Why**?”

“ **Liquor makes you angry**.”

“ **This is tame shit compared to what I’m usually sipping though. I’ll be fine, I promise**.” I shook my head. Kanye should’ve been the example for everybody who preferred brown over white. Lonny told me once that he liked Whiskey and Hennessy because it reminded him of his grandfather. Me on the other hand, I’d take vodka shots any day.

“ **Mmhm yeah ok** ,” I replied half-heartedly, laughing at the extent of my own sarcasm. Lonny just smirked, floating over to me before tickling the back of my foot, making me instinctively recoil my leg and squeal.

“ **Let’s take some shots after dinner and see what happens…** ” The thought of sake did nothing but make my face hot and my blood boil. Now I was anxious.

“ **You already know what happens**.”

Sake made me very warm and bubbly and down for anything, spiking my libido as high as it could go. Lonny just smiled that smile.

“ **That’s the point**.”

He lifted himself out of the pool, arms and back flexing as water fell off his skin from all angles before looking for a towel.

Shit.

I took that as the signal to down the rest of my drink.

-

My head was swimming.

We were back from dinner on the beach, which was fantastic. Laughing over fresh seafood and reminiscing on good times was just the thing I needed to forget all the frustration I probably would’ve harbored all day without it. Sand was still in my toes…

Our room was mostly dark except for the moon.

Lonny’s mouth fervently found mine, tasting like sake and strawberries and salt water. I moaned at the way his hands burned against my already scorching skin through my maxi dress, before he reluctantly broke the kiss. The air was buzzing with potential; our frequencies aligned like always.

“ **Take a bath with me**.” I couldn’t say no. Not that I would.

He led me to the bathroom.

The lights were low, but just bright enough for me to see that it looked completely different from when we left earlier. Rose petals were floating on top of the water of the jacuzzi tub, petals were on the edge, the floor, leading to the rug…thrown across the sinks and counters…a bouquet of them there, replacing the orange tulips that were in the vase this morning…

I bit my lip, containing my smile.

“ **Sneaky bastard. When did you even have time to do this**?” He chuckled quietly from behind me, moving my damp hair to kiss my salty shoulder.

“ **I had a little help**.”

I turned around in his arms, smirking and tugging at the bottom of his t-shirt.

“ **Retirer vos vêtements**.”

He didn’t get the hint until after I pulled it off.

Soon, all of our clothes were scattered around the floor, revealing our shames to each other. I held his shoulders, kissing his nose on my tippie toes before his fingers slid into my hair, tilting my head back with urgency. I wrapped a hand around the base of his semi-hardness, not wanting to wait any longer to touch him…

“ **You’re beautiful, you know**.” He murmured against my throat, almost like a groan as his mouth brushed against my pulse point, anxious to mark me up there and all the places he’d always felt were off limits.

“ **So are you**.” I whispered back, digging my nails into his skin with my free hand. He laughed darkly, before palming my ass and half-heartedly suggesting we get in the tub before the water got cold.

Lonny climbed in first, and I slid in afterwards, hissing at the temperature before gently taking my place between his legs on the opposite side. It didn’t take long for the water to feel good, but as much as I wanted to relax, I wanted to do something else even more…

His hand coasted up my calf, gripping right behind my knee before he pulled me to him and kissed me all in one swift motion. The water slapped against the side of the tub, threatening to spill all over the floor.

I couldn’t kiss him hard enough. I couldn’t get close enough.

Scenes from the past few months flashed in my head. I had him right where I wanted him with no fucking interruptions and I was planning on making the absolute best of it.

Gripping the edge, I moaned against his mouth as his fingers slid over my clit. My world was already blurry from the sake, but now it was starting to turn red…

I was already turned on.

His hot mouth coasted down my torso, wrapping itself around one of my nipples, biting and tugging while he circled the other one with the free fingers of his left hand. My hips rocked against his index and middle of his right, body begging for some type of penetration…whimpers escaping my throat echoed against the walls.

Lonny just laughed, giving the other the same love before going to work on my neck. He continued, teasing me in various ways; until my lips were just as swollen as the ones between my legs and every time he rubbed that little bundle of nerves, my thighs would quiver violently…

His dick was throbbing in my hands.

“ **Bend over**.” He said, voice thick with lust and I couldn’t help but smile as I did what I was told.

I looked back to him admiring me in all my glory.

“ **That’s pretty…fuck** ,” he muttered, rubbing between my legs. Sliding his hands up the curve of my back, his dick bobbed against my inner thigh. One of them snaked into my hair, pulling me up a little bit more before he teased some more, testing the waters, tapping my clit and making me tense up and whine and push back against him.

He eventually took the cue and broke skin, and I shuddered like the edges of my soul were coming undone.

Months of eating gourmet popcorn could never amount to the satisfaction of filet mignon.

He grunted and urged his hips forward, invading me in the best way possible, making my face instantly heat up and my breathing shallow and uneven. His fingers tugged a little harder at the roots of my hair, sliding in and out as slow as he could so I could adjust to his size. A few more groans of fucks littered the air.

My heart sped up and my legs shook and my back curved deeper.

“ **Baise-moi… plus difficile**.” I whimpered, gripping the edge of the tub so hard my knuckles were turning light.

“ **English, baby.** ” He countered.

“ **Fuck me, harder…** ” My head fell at the release of my hair, and he made a pleased sound, sliding one of his hands between my legs before pressing my hips against the acrylic wall for leverage.

Lonny’s slow thrusts turned into something way more intense and rough, making my fucking toes curl…

“ **…like that**?”

I nodded, eyes closed tightly.

The tingles rose right when our skin started to smack. I knew there were gonna be bruises…but right now, everything felt good, so good… My hand wrapped around his neck, pulling him down against me. I wanted to hear him, I wanted to feel him…

The water sloshed around us, and if I wasn’t about to explode I probably would’ve been concerned at the sound of so much water hitting the tiled floor. I shuddered roughly, hearing how hard his breathing was as he bit down on my shoulder, muttering about how fucking good I felt…

I dug my nails into the forearm wrapped around me.

“ **Yeah, Billie…that’s it…** ”

I squirmed and closed my eyes tight and whined and screamed and held on tight and frowned and smiled and creamed and whimpered and called God and came so hard I was seeing fireworks behind my eyelids. He just kept going, rubbing my clit and fucking me and groaning and digging his nails deep into my hips and smacking my ass as his dick throbbed and he pulled my hair and coached me through an orgasm so strong I was grinding my teeth together.

I was still convulsing when he came, tensing up and gripping waist and groaning and shuddering, making me moan as my body registered the warmth of his cum inside me…

I wanted more.

Lonny turned my head, kissing until he met my lips. Cute pecks turned into easy laughter, and we adjusted so we were sitting again like before, the water lukewarm and mostly gone as we caught our breaths.

“ **You tired yet**?”

I smirked, grabbing a renegade rose petal from under my leg and hiding behind it coyly, tilting my head.

“ **Mais non…pourquoi, voulez-vous baise-moi à nouveau**?” He hissed, grabbing his dick again before smiling that smile…

“ **French is such a fucking turn on, woah. That was provocative, wasn’t it**?”

I nodded, sliding over and straddling him so that I could grind in his lap. His eyes closed slowly, and he tilted his head back, giving me the perfect opportunity to bite his neck.

“ **Oui**.”

Lonny had his fun, but now it was my turn to drive him crazy…


	10. lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which we learn a little more about alycia.

My daddy called me hardheaded.

No matter what it was I found myself getting into, I always found a way to break the rules. Even ones I set for myself.

That’s what my life seemed to be about these days – crashing through boundaries; how far could I go off the edge without dropping straight to the ground. If the game was to not fall, the wind was rushing past my eardrums.

I don’t know how I ended up overseas, but there I was. Even though my mind was still reeling from impulse, I couldn’t help but smile humorlessly at how London’s dark skies and I matched.

I bundled up tighter in my coat as I sat in the back of a cab, less than an hour away from the hotel he liked to stay in when he was in town. I knew Chris; he didn’t like to travel alone…but he’d been in England for six days solo-dolo and no one had really heard anything from him except for a few tweets and a vague ass Instagram picture.

I came with a purpose.

I needed some answers, closure…anything. I at least deserved that. He could fuck me but he couldn’t love me, he didn’t want to love me. I didn’t understand but in a twisted way, I did…especially after what I put him through. I was selfish, but so was he for using me as a way to cope with his own transgressions. And we both were for seeking pleasure in each other and expecting no consequences.

**Lyssi**

You busy?

 

**Chris**

kinda.

Everything was just so up in the air, everything was so fucked up…everything about this city reminded me of him.

Things used to be different…

_“You like the song?” Chris’ arms snaked around me from behind, gently rocking us from side to side before kissing my cheek. I smirked, turning in his arms to rub my palm against the crotch of his jeans, laughing when his brows shot into his hairline._

_“Nature Feels? Of course, it’s nasty.”_

_“You’re nasty. Grabbin’ on me nshit.”_

_“You like it.”_

_“I do.” He gave me a long kiss before his hands slid down the small of my back, gripping a handful of flesh and sitting me up on the edge of the soundboard._

_“You should let me do some background vocals.”_

_“Like what? Humor me.” I shrugged coyly, peering up at him from under my eyelashes. Chris smirked wider…_

_“It’s a sexy song. I’m sure we can figure something out.” Before I knew it, I was being carried in the booth with the red light on and the feeling of his mouth on mine…_

_It was getting hard to breathe._

_“You love me?”_

_Chris had a thing for asking questions pre-orgasm. He knew how hard it was to string a sentence together and the sadistic side of him got off knowing he was the cause of my pain…_

_I felt too good to care. He was an asshole sometimes but he made up for it just like he was making up for it now with his head and hand between my legs._

_“Alycia, answer me.” I whined dangerously, gripping the mic with one hand and his head with the other, nodding._

_“I love you…don’t stop…”_

_“I won’t stop, c’mon...” He mumbled against my thigh in between sucks and flicks._

_If being in love gave you wings, this was it because I was fucking flying._

**Lyssi**

I need to talk to you, it’s important

 

**Chris**

i’m in the middle of something…

Like he had been for the past month or so? I gripped my phone tighter. It was now or never for me, in the back of this unmarked taxi.

They say love makes you crazy.

-

Nothing was making any fucking sense.

After arguing with the receptionist for ten minutes, I was assured by the hotel manager that there was nobody by the last name Breaux or Ocean in any suite in Claridge’s.

I got a room anyway and ordered a bottle of vodka from room service as a consolation prize.

He was slipping through my fingers and I fucking hated it.

I hated that I’d been reduced to a drunken bawling mess in one of the most expensive hotels in one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever been in, not even able to enjoy my surroundings…all because of him.

Everything was his fault.

My credit cards were maxed out.

They say love makes you do crazy things, and I vowed that I would never become one of those people. It brought me to London, put me in debt, and now I was intoxicated and crying and hoping that something would give in my direction. Liquor in my system, I dialed his number.

Seconds felt like hours…

Chris sounded out of it, but then again I probably did too. I sat up the best I could, even though the room was spinning and a sob wretched from my throat before I could catch myself.

“ **I don’t…I don’t care how busy you are, you’re gonna listen to me**!”

There was shifting on the other line, “ **are you drunk** **?** ”

I laughed with no humor.

“ **\- the fuck do you care? You - youu don’t care about anybody else, allllll you care about is yourself** ,” I screamed, kicking my suitcase into the wall from my seat on the floor as it sounded off.

He sighed heavily, and either the vodka was talking to me or he was whispering to someone…

“ **This is….not the right time for this right now…okay?** ”

“ **Fuck you, Christopher**.”

“ **I’m sorry**.”

“ **No you’re not…I came all the way to fucking London to fix shit and you’re not even here! It’s been a month and I don’t hear from you?! Then you leave without saying goodbye? I have to find out from somebody else? Am – am I wrong for being fucking heartbroken?** ” I took another swig of spirits, curling up into my knees. All I could hear was my own tears echoing against the walls around me.

Chris cleared his throat, making a frustrated noise before cursing.

“ **Fuck, I…I am.** ”

“ **I hate you**.”

I’d never been so sure of anything in my life. Even though every thought in my head was the complete opposite, I wanted to hate him. And that was enough.

“ **That’s not…fair**.”

“ **NO** ,” I snarled back, fed up, “ **I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you**!”

“ **Alycia**.” The finality in his voice as he said my name, the cadence, did nothing but make me feel even more vulnerable, more volatile.

“ **Go to HELL! You can’t talk your way out of there, asshole**.”

My blood was boiling.

I cursed him out some more, wanting him to yell back – anything, to show that he cared beyond his patience, his usually calm nature. But I was disappointed yet again. I shouldn’t have expected any less.

Love makes you angry.

I heard him moan her name and a giggle before the phone hung up.

 

-

_I slid to the to the backroom of the shop before anybody could find a reason to stop me,  finding Lonny sitting on a crate, leaning against a stack of poorly folded shirts. Part of me wanted to put them away a little neater, but that would’ve just been me procrastinating...doing anything to avoid what was coming next. We hadn’t been alone together in about a month and with good reason, because even then I felt the guilt-ridden burn of his lips. That, along with the butterflies in my stomach reminded me of why I was there in the first place. I rubbed my mouth instinctively before I tied the long sleeved shirt around my waist a little tighter, resting on a box nearby._

_No amount of dusting things under the rug was turning out to be enough to ignore the fact that we needed to figure…whatever this was, out._

_He shifted, turning to look at me with an expression that mirrored mine; neutral and calculating. I debated opening my mouth before I finally did, breaking eye contact and pretending like multi-colored socks were more interesting than the conversation we were having. Knowing him, he probably could see my defense mechanisms a mile away._

_“Kelly said you wanted to talk.”_

_“I do.”_

_“Okay.”_

_The storage room got quiet pretty quickly after that. Then I heard soft laughter._

_“Billie, this is stupid.”_

_I frowned. “What’s so funny?”_

_“You’re being awkward as fuck.”_

_“So are you,” I countered, sneering as my arms crossed. “Explain why you couldn’t tell me you wanted to talk to me.”_

_He leaned forward a little more, penetrating a portion of my personal space before shrugging and rubbing the back of his head._

_“Dunno. Didn’t think you wanted to, after…you know.” He diverted his eyes._

_“Well I did let you, you know…”_

_“You also didn’t say anything else to me while we were in New York. Forgive me for being cautious.”_

_“I was scared.”_

_“Me too, that’s no excuse. We could’ve discussed this before now.” I didn’t like the tone he was using, speaking to me like I was some half-wit child that didn’t understand how words work._

_If anything, he should’ve known already that I wasn’t as hands-on as he was when it came to problems, especially ones that had potential to raise conflict. He could talk his way out of a strait jacket no matter what, whereas me, I would rather skip the emotional blow up that I knew would most likely follow because of tempers and pride and get to the heart of the matter._

_Which was what I hoped would gonna happen in this case but things were going downhill, and fast…along with my tolerance for being patronized._

_“Could we have? Really? Would your girlfriend like that?”_

_Lonny cut his eyes at me, the amused smile on his face fading as his brow furrowed in confusion._

_“What about yours?”_

_Any mention of Gia as of late made me cringe in shame. First Coachella, then the Atlanta and Dallas dates of the Channel ORANGE tour where my secret jealousy of Alycia came to a head, and the Terry Richardson shoot…I was fucking up, and badly. My secrets were piling up, and that was what was driving the wedge between me and Lonny in the first place…_

_Bad things happened when we were together. And the guilt was eating at me._

_Shit was bound to get ugly soon._

_“Don’t play stupid. Lili wouldn’t like the fact that you’re here.” Her name was bile in my mouth, especially after what she did to him barely two months prior. All I could feel is his my hands around her neck…_

_He just shrugged, leaning back against the shelf behind him._

_"We’re not together, so that doesn’t matter.” I tilted my head. Not together? Was that code for I’m just boning her on occasion? I scoffed at the thought._

_Lonny smirked, crossing his arms with a raised brow. “Jealousy is a new look on you, Billie Forester.”_

_“Shut up,” I mumbled._

_I felt his hand gently grab mine, muttering c’mere as he pulled me up and he hugged me, making me sink into his familiar cologne and the warmth of his chest for the first time in a long time. His fingers tickled the bare skin of my lower back, making me giggle into his shoulder._

_“Missed you.”_

_“You too.”_

_We stood like that for a while._

_I could’ve been there forever until a throat cleared from the entrance, disturbing the force._

_Me and Alycia locked eyes briefly, my glare turning murderous at her suspicious expression. His body stiffened up against me, preparing for battle. I rolled my eyes._

_“Oh look, your whore’s here.” I said blandly and boldly to Lonny, pulling away from him and brushing past his equivalent of a messenger bag before slipping into the Clancy’s office. Leave it to her to find a way to ruin everything._

_Next time, she’d be the one waiting._


	11. summer remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil shorty.

**Bee**

wtf, i miss you!

 

**Lonny**

i miss you too. beginning to think london was a baaad idea.

We came back from a week of sex and suntans to the land of the snakes, with our eyes open.

I was supposed to be with Lonny, but after his latest encounter with Alycia, we both decided that it would be best if we didn’t push our luck. He had things to do, songs to record…so the show had to go on without me. That didn’t stop me from pouting, though.

But I had to admit, lying about fading love bites for the past few weeks I’d been back was much easier to do without the culprit hovering around and silently gloating about it. That was the only thing. My initial amusement in how nosey people were fizzled quickly, making me wish I had him in my corner but I didn’t want to stress him out during what he told me was one of the biggest opportunities of his career.

I felt like I was trying to quit drugs cold turkey, which was probably dramatic as hell…but, I didn’t make the rules.

The show had to go on without him, too. I’d been dividing my time between catching up at _OUTRAGE_ , visiting the Clancy’s, the shop and Tyler’s new place to keep my mind off it. It worked for the most part, but there was always something missing…

**Bee**

clark kent has to save the world at some point, right?

 

**Lonny**

insert some witty parallel between me and superheroes here, haha. i’m hopeless.

 

**Bee**

you can’t be hopeless. you can fly.

 

**Lonny**

superman is a just another static character without lois, though.

Tyler knew how miserable we were and laughed about it obnoxiously from time to time while he kept me company, but I didn’t complain. Having “fun” with my best friend was taking my mind off the fact that I would be Lonny-less for another two weeks…even if it was just temporarily and at my expense.

But, Tyler’s new house was super nice. His room in the attic was where I spent most of the past two weeks, playing GTA V with the boys, lounging out on a bean bag chair, watching Breaking Bad or Teen Nick on the roof…

Even though Ty was jabbing left and right, he made it a point to tell me at some point before then that he was happy for me and Lonny. Even before that, I knew all of his comments were in jest but it was nice to hear it from somebody so close to both of us.

Too bad the rest of the world would probably have a fit.

I read his last message again and smiled because honestly, the world didn’t matter. Being happy really puts things in perspective…

Waiting on him was maddening though.

All the things I had to say in response to his texts were either mopey, pouty or just plain out perverted and I had the pleasure of battling with myself about what direction I wanted to take that particular conversation, just like all the others.

And just like all the others, my mind was only on one mode. Withdrawal was a motherfucker.

“ **Is that your nigga?** ” I nodded, not even bothering to lift my head or attempt political correct-ness when it came to Ty.

**Bee**

well lois is in distress. come save (read: savor) me.

 

**Lonny**

fuck, i wish. don’t torture me....two more weeks.

I bit the corner of my lip, giggling at his eagerness until I caught eyes with T, his face turned up in disgust.

“ **Y’all sexting? Nasty. You’re naaasty!** ”

“ **What? Nooooo.** ” I rolled my eyes playfully at the sound of his cackle and accusing finger, throwing a near-by pillow at him and quickly scribbling a reply. He caught it effortlessly and put it behind his head, becoming too distracted with cartoons he had on the projector to pay my quip any mind.

I curled up tighter on his small bright couch.

**Bee**

let’s make them interesting, then.

 

**Lonny**

i’m listening…

I smiled at what I had in mind…

The past few weeks had been full of late night peepshows and risqué pictures, texts and inappropriate phone calls.

It was fun…but it was nothing compared to the anxiousness we were both full of before Bora Bora. Something about it made everything explosive, and even now, I could feel it growing again in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t wait to see him. October came and went, and he’d be home two days before his birthday. I was determined to make it just as memorable as he made mine.

It was nice to already have a few tricks up my sleeve.

**Bee**

first person to want sex loses. when you get back, i mean.

 

**Lonny**

psh. i am the master seducer.

He wasn’t lying. There’d been countless times on the island that he practically talked my clothes off before I could think twice. Not that I minded, though. His charm could probably levitate the panties of any woman within a twenty foot radius.

Talented, yes, but I knew what he liked.

And that’s what made it so easy for me, despite how knee buckling encounters with him were. Lonny’s skills were God-given, but mine were tailored.

I knew what he liked, so I did what he liked.

**Bee**

prove it, loser. now you got a little something extra to look forward to while you work.

 

**Lonny**

you talkin shit already? haha, you’re on.


	12. lovecrimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which shit hits the fan.

I finally managed to convince Lonny to let me drive his McLauren to pick him up from the airport. It shouldn’t have been as hard as it was, but he had this thing with vehicles that was extremely paternal – another one of his macho man quirks – so I sold him with the thought of me driving his stick shift, innuendo intended. He got quiet for a while before groaning at the thought, complaining about blue balls after telling me where the keys were in his apartment. Laughing, I said my goodbyes and hung up the phone, after holding myself back from saying I love you for the millionth time.

I just didn’t want to be the first one to say it this go-round.

And I knew that was probably childish, but we were happy…and I didn’t want to fuck it up by moving too fast. That still didn’t change the way I felt, though. I swallowed those three words down with a gulp and went to sleep early, ready for it to be the next day.

When I woke up and started getting ready, I couldn’t help but smile at myself through the misty mirror in front of me. Nobody could fuck this high up. I put a bit more effort into my outfit; deciding on test driving some of my more feminine clothes from _ASOS_ before grabbing my keys and heading to his place.

Opening the door, I inhaled.

It had been so long since I smelled his cologne that I almost didn’t want to leave. The real deal was waiting for me, though, so after exchanging cars and swiping a hoodie from the couch, I was off.

I had the top down, enjoying the crisp morning air and medium blue skies on the way to LAX, humming whatever was on the radio to myself even though I was too deep in my head to actually be paying attention.

Excitement, nervousness, anxiousness…were words that could describe how I was feeling all at once.

**Lonny**

you here yet? i’m waiting for my luggage.

 

**Bee**

gimmie five minutes. unless you want me to speed…?

Ugh, I couldn’t drive fast enough. All I could think about was how grumpy and cute he probably looked from it being so early in the morning, with his face all swollen from sleep… Pulling up into the airport parking lot, I found as close to the entrance as possible before deading the engine.

**Lonny**

floor it, haha. just kidding. don’t hurt my baby. and you too.

 

**Bee**

go slower? got it. >:-D

 

**Lonny**

[insert no mouth emoji]

The airport was extremely desolate aside from a few passersby, and even then they all seemed to be coming from the same place Lonny was when I finally spotted him. For someone as A-list as he was, he was inconspicuously standing with his suitcase, all bundled up in a plain hoodie with his phone. His eyes scanned the perimeter until they met mine a few feet away, smiling and closing the gap between us.

“ **Hi** ,” he exhaled, awakening my senses with the familiarity of his spearmint breath. Before I had time to reply, he pulled my chin up and kissed me for the first time in damn near forever.

I decided right then greetings didn’t matter. There would be time to talk later…

My arms instinctively wrapped around his neck and his free one found its way down to my ass, grabbing a handful even through my skirt, making me moan softly and bite his lip. His hips were as close to mine as they could get without me being pinned against him and something else and I couldn’t help but think I brought this on myself as I made a point to inhale more of Ferrari as he revved up my sex drive. I couldn’t say I didn’t want it, – especially after fucking him senseless had been the only thing on my mind for a month and because sexually frustrated was a preset adjective for me at this point, but I had to win this bet. My pride wouldn’t allow me to lose.

Fuck.

It took only that kiss to know we both were seeing red and I could feel that familiar throb start all through my body, matching the pace of the blood pumping in my veins as he let his lips tease mine.

Fuck.

I pulled back before things could get worse, for me at least. Lonny was smirking by the time I had enough courage and sanity to look back up at him.

He ran his hands back down the curve of my ass and I bulge my eyes at him, whispering harshly, “ **you know we’re in public**?”

“ **Oh really** ,” Lonny shot back incredulously before smirking again, giving me a small peck and taking my hand, “ **I was completely unaware. Let’s go.** ”

It was gonna be a long day.

-

 

Lonny gently grabbed my shoulders with his manufactured polite guest-of-honor smile, steering me up the stairs and into the Clancy’s bathroom in an attempt to stop a battle when I was prepared for war. He shut the door quietly, turning around and looking at me with a piercing look that would’ve been enough to snatch the words forming in my throat any other time but this one. I threw my clutch into the sink, ready for blood in a wrap dress and five inch heels. This bitch had some fucking nerve, and the liquor in my system didn’t do anything but enhance my rage.

“ **Who the fuck invited her?! How does she even know you’re back?** ” I spat, watching him pace and waiting for some type of clarity. Lonny had only been back in town for two days and shit was already hitting the fan. He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck.

“ **Does it matter? Twitter probably.** ”

“If her only purpose of being here was to fucking corner me and try to convince me that she fucked you in London, of course it fucking matters Frank!” He winced at the sound of me distancing myself by using his stage name before cutting his eyes at the door, hearing movement outside.

“ **Lower your voice. She’s doing this on purpose, to ruin our night and try to expose us. You’re doing exactly what she wants**.” He was too calm, and that did nothing but make me even more explosive. I threw my hand out violently for emphasis, jabbing at the air in that direction.

“ **Fuck that! And fuck you too for thinking I was gonna take that shit with a grain of salt! I should’ve choked her ass out again.** ”

Lonny laughed darkly at the thought.

“ **Explain to me what you’re mad about one more time?** ” I looked at him lamely before shaking my head. If it wasn’t clear now, then it would never be. I opted out, making my way to the door only to have him lock it and stand in front of it, deciding in his head that I wasn’t fit to be released back into the general public without risk of me bodying somebody.

“ **I don’t have enough patience for your games –** ”

“ **– What it sounds like is somebody trying to come between us, which we both knew was gonna happen eventually right? Alycia’s lame. She’s been lame for a long time. She’s nothing compared to you. You shouldn’t even be worried about her right now, cause I l –** “

“ **…you, what?** ” He loosened his collar, fidgeting…oh shit, it was happening. His mouth seemed to be moving in slow motion.

“ **Cause I love you**.”

Not long after that did I press my mouth to his as hard as I could. I was locked in a bathroom with a man that loved me as much as I loved him and right then that was all that fucking mattered and I couldn’t kiss him hard enough as I mumbled it back against his mouth until it became hard to count.

Before I knew it, I was pressed flat against one of the beige walls that surrounded us as his teeth sank into my newly exposed shoulder and his hands frantically moved and yanked and hiked my dress.

“ **What have I told you about that temper of yours, hm? You want me to take the edge off?** ” Lonny muttered with his mouth against my throat…

His fingers slid across the crotch of my thong, giving me serious goosebumps… I stifled a moan, knowing that biting my lip would be quieter than attempting to string a cohesive sentence together but he wasn’t having that; adding enough pressure to make me whimper and grab on to the sleeves of his suit jacket.

He smiled before adding; “ **quiet now, huh**.”

I was subtly rocking against his fingers, anxious for more. My hand dropped down to the belt of his dress pants, working quickly until I felt skin, wanting to touch him... Lonny groaned, gripping a fist full of my curls, sliding over damp lace and circling the tips of his fingers against my opening, making my mouth fall and my eyes turn into slits at the feeling. I watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat, resisting the urge to bite him there, and all over, and mark him as mine while my hand gently slid up and down his dick.

He was hard and I was wet and there was no time for the semantics. If we wanted this, it was gonna have to happen right now.

“ **Lonny** ,” I moaned… He sat me on the edge of the sink counter, rubbing me with his thumb as he popped off my bra with his free hand.

“ **You want me to fuck you?** ” I nodded, curling my free hand around the back of his neck. Soon, everything became frantic.

I managed to get most of his clothes out of the way enough to bite his collarbone, whining into his skin and shaking…With the rough pull of my ass and a grunt he was inside of me, and it took a lot not to cum right then and there.

Fuck.

If these bathroom walls could talk, they’d sing a soulful song about the arch in my back and the pace of his breathing…

Lonny grabbed the back of my knees, spreading them before leaning over me and giving me the deepest strokes he could without sending the top of my head banging into the mirror. I shuddered, digging my nails into his hip and sitting up, propping myself against the faucet to watch him appear and disappear.

His mouth traveled down from my neck, smiling at the squirming body underneath it, to my chest, encircling his lips around one of my nipples and rolling the other one between his fingers. I dug my nails into his back, raising my eyebrows at this intensity.

My heart was in my stomach.

“ **Mmh, you feel so good…** ” I whispered before he bit down on his lip, flexing the muscles in his arms as his strokes turned into pounds, and we started to smack together. One of his hands escaped to rub my clit again and I arched, knocking some shit over and grabbing hold to the side of the medicine cabinet to brace myself. Everything about his aggression was fanning the fire between my legs.

“ **Turn around**.”

I did what he asked of me, taken aback when his hand wrapped around my neck and pulled me back while his hips trapped mine against the hard ceramic and wood. It didn’t take long before my legs started to shake underneath me in these fucking heels, and I pressed one of my hands against the mirror.

Fuck.

He led my other wrist behind my back.

Shit.

Lonny felt deeper than before like this, and the slight pressure on my neck was making me lightheaded.

Fuck.

I came, my screams muffled by the palm of his hand…

-

We eventually cleaned ourselves up, and I couldn’t help giggling my apologies as I used some tissue to get lipstick I left off his skin. A few innocent kisses later, he was the first one to return back to the party.

I didn’t even remember what I was mad about in the first place, especially after seeing my coy smile in the mirror.

Glowing was the only way to describe what I saw.

I combed my tousled hair back into place as much as I could, touching up my makeup and adjusting my dress before practically floating downstairs. The stares were hard to ignore and they made me paranoid, thinking that maybe in my haze I’d forgotten something that made it very obvious what just happened…

There wasn’t enough time for me to go through my mental checklist, though. I felt a hand around my wrist, pulling me into the kitchen with a trot.

There were a lot of familiar faces around me, and all of them were angry but one; the only one that stuck out to me.

Lonny was sitting at the table, staring at it blankly before sensing me, our gazes meeting before lowering his eyes in shame... Kelly thrust her phone into my hands, and I almost dropped it as I saw what was on it.

**_TMZ Exclusive: Thinking About You? Frank Ocean and “friend” Being Extremely Touchy-Feely At Airport_ **

 

**_After a mixtape, an album, working with Jay-Z & Kanye West, a US Tour, beefing with Chris Brown, his allegiance to his rambunctious friend Tyler, The Creator and Odd Future, rumors of him dating Alycia Bella and his heartfelt letter explaining a tragic story about his first love; the world should be no stranger to Frank Ocean. He’s been keeping out of the headlines recently and doing a bit of traveling and writing for his next album along with the reactivation of his Twitter, but sources informed us earlier this month that he was currently in a relationship with some mystery girl. His management had the story taken down shortly after its release, claiming it to be false but now we have some proof and more information about the girl he’s currently boning! Billie Forester, twenty y/o graphic artist and owner of OUTRAGE Designs is a former employee and long-time friend of Ocean, so it’s no surprise that after years of chemistry and bonding that they were caught yesterday sucking face at LAX by paparazzi! More pics and information about this budding romance after the cut._ **

“ **Don’t tell me this is what I think it is.** ” Kelly pleaded, leaning up against the granite counter. I opened my mouth to explain, to try to make some sense of it all but she put her hand up, cutting me off.

  
“ **Because it looks like you both have been lying to us for a very, very long time…** ”


	13. fertilizer

“ **Oh look, somebody else talking shit...** ” I mumbled with fake excitement as I scrolled through Twitter, amused by how social media made people feel a lot more threatening than they actually were.

There were a bunch of 140-character-or-less insults in my mentions, and they’d been coming at a pretty steady pace for the past two weeks. I didn’t have time to deal with that. Aside from a snarky tweet or two and several block parties (done with Chris in mind, of course…), that was all the attention Lonny’s crazy ass fans were getting from me.

Tyler shook his head, lifting his hat to rub the top of his head before sinking into the other side of the couch, not saying anything.

He couldn’t, really. His advice would probably be to rant and be extremely blunt about what was going on, and even though I admired how well that seemed to work for him, my way of handling things was so opposite of his.

“ **If I go, you owe me…’cause, I might catch a charge. At least pay my bail. Can you do that**?”

“ **Whatever dude. I don’t give a fuck about any of that shit. You’re coming to the carnival, B. Off top.** ” Tyler’s eyes cut to mine. At that moment, I realized I didn’t have any excuses on reserve to miss this. And for the first time in about a month, I honestly wasn’t going to look for one.

We had to face the music – or in this case, the public – sooner or later, but it was safe to say that life became pretty hard to handle after that article.

Lonny had to physically restrain me from writing them a scathing letter in response to TMZ (to first off, tell them to correct my fucking  _age_ ) by hiding my phone and computer for a few weeks. Being disconnected from the world didn’t matter anyway – nobody was talking to either of us (minus Tyler, but he had his own shit going on and understood). And if they were, it was only just to irk the last nerve that I did have left by sending quotes like I hadn’t already saved it all into a file of repressed memories. My mom and the Clancy’s were extremely offended that we chose to hide something of this caliber for what they called “our own selfish reasons”, but no matter how much I thought they were overreacting I took all of their words with a grain of salt.

Lonny and I got an earful from Kelly about protocol and the fact that as his manager, to be the last to hear something about your artist is not how things should be. I couldn’t help but feel like we were being reprimanded, but any inclination I had to remind her that we were adults was eighty-sixed when our eyes met.

The disappointment in her stare was almost tangible, and it hurt like a blow to the chest.

At first everybody that had come to matter to me throughout the years felt betrayed and angry and lied to, and things got so bad it began to flare up my anxiety; making me come up with reasons to not leave the house. I couldn’t take it. It was like I was in high school all over again…

But I knew for the most part, it was all rooted in care for the both of us. And somewhere deep down, I also knew this was all a possible outcome of our actions…but what I was trying to figure out was how we managed to end up in the exact situation we were trying to avoid?

I created a lot of downtime for myself to think about that.

I’d taken refuge in his apartment after a situation involving paparazzi and stalking, sending my anxiety into overdrive, and we just bummed out. He lounged around with me until he had something he really needed to get done, but other than that, he was too tired for anything else. We weren’t sleeping. He was too worried about me and I was too worried about everything else, including him and other than myself.

Something had to give...especially with the second annual carnival a few days away.

Curling up tighter on the couch, I sat my chin on my knee before tossing my phone next to me and giving Tyler a soft nod. He pulled me into an awkward hug.

“ **Nigga, everything’s gonna be** ** _fine_**.”

-

“ **Everything looks great…** ” I said, in sort of a stupor as I looked around at the grounds.

The rides were up and running, the skate ramp that Tyler and I spent all last night painting was finally put together, projector screens were almost done being configured. Tyler was a few feet away, excited enough to jump out of his skin as he sat on the edge of the stage talking to Sevyn and Earl loudly about how he couldn’t wait to get on the fucking Ferris wheel and I couldn’t help but think about how stupid I would’ve been to miss this and how bad of an idea that was to have in the first place.

Almost reading my mind, Lonny pulled me closer by my belt loops and planted a kiss on my forehead, instantly turning the building conflict in my head into a fleeting thought. I shoved my hands unceremoniously into his hoodie pockets on each side for the warmth, taking a deep breath.

“ **Right? I’m glad you decided to come**.” I made a noise of approval, pulling my head back from under his chin to look up at him. He smiled haphazardly.

“ **It’s our first public appearance, our debut…** ”

I blushed at the thought before groaning into his chest, making him laugh. Whining into the thick pink cotton of his sweatshirt, I muttered about how he should at least attempt to not make me nervous about this shit all over again.

The thought of being watched so carefully was borderline terrifying. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about; that we were free because the worst part was already over. I knew that he was just as nervous as I was, but I could also tell that he was excited…and that made me excited too, in a weird,  _I’m-feeling-a lot-of-ways-but-mostly-this-one_  kinda way.

His eyes caught mine and I couldn’t help but smile.

“ **That means I can do this** ,” he paused, tilting my chin up, brushing his lips against mine gently before kissing me and reluctantly pulling back. “ **Whenever I want…** ”

“ **I could definitely live with that**.”

Lonny smirked, slipping his hand into one of my back pockets.

I fished my buzzing phone out of my other pocket, reading the notification before pointing my middle finger in the direction of Tyler’s ugly laughter.

**TY$$$**

YALL ARE NASTY

 

 **B.**   **EAZY**

FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO OTHER THAN WATCH US YOU COCKBLOCK

 

**TY$$$**

HAHA tell your man it’s our turn to rehearse

I relayed the message and we closed the distance between us and the rest of the crew. I could already sense the awkwardness in everybody as Kelly popped from backstage to hand Lonny and Tyler mics. This was honestly the first time I’d seen her since the article dropped…which was fitting.

Everybody else was pretty much over it except for her.

She seemed surprised to see me, but not for long as duty called. I could almost see the gears in her head turn in a different direction as someone needed her again and she rushed back off after advising the both of them to make it quick so someone else could get a chance.

Wiggling up on the stage next to Jasper, I watched as both of them got into famous mode with my chin on my knee.

While Lonny practiced some runs, Tyler managed to get me to take a picture of them for Instagram as he goofed around and complained that he really didn’t need to rehearse because he was a  _fucking rapper and not like Frank on that R &B, get bitches shit… _

We spent more time laughing than doing anything productive. Lonny and Taco managed to end up chasing me around the stage, and in an attempt to get away I bumped into Kelly, sobering up the laughter in the air with my eyes wide.

“ **Shit, my bad…** ”

The tension on stage was heavy, no one really knowing what was about to happen… including myself. Her face softened and she motioned for me to follow her backstage. I shot a nervous look at Lonny. All he could do was shrug back, apparently not knowing what to expect either.

When we finally got away from the nosy stares on stage, she turned to me and sighed, rubbing her temples. As soon as she went to speak I cut her off.

“ **I’m so sorry, Kelly… I know we fucked up by not coming to you and Clancy, especially as Frank’s management. We were just so caught up in the novelty of it, it just…got** **_really serious really fast_** **and he makes me so happy, we figured it would be too late to say something after we’d already been sneaking around...** ”

After I spoke, she pulled me into a hug which immediately made me cry.

This was family. Considering the strained relationship I had with my own, Kelly was like a second mother to me ever since I moved to LA and it hurt to know that I let her down.

“ **Ah, don’t make me cry! That’s just a** ** _big_** **secret for us to** **_not_ ** **know and have to find out some other way. Our job is to protect you guys professionally, but we’re invested in this so it’s personal too. Clancy’s not here to speak for himself but when we spoke to Lonny about it, we told him that it hurt more than it should’ve for you guys not to trust us with that, you know?** ”

I nodded, understanding exactly what she meant.

“ **We love you guys, and we won’t do anything like that ever again. Promise**.” No more secrets.

She held me at arms’ length, smiling.

“ **I believe you, Bill’. Glad to see you’re better, too. Both of you. Smiling! Good. Now go out and actually** ** _enjoy_** **being in love…** ”


	14. golden girl

After talking with Kelly it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I slept better. I felt better. I hadn’t really realized how much guilt I internalized for hurting her and Clancy until it was was gone.

Frank made it a point to wake up pretty fucking early the morning of the carnival to coax me into some _I’m-performing-today-and-I’m-nervous_ sex. He’d been pressed against me all night and I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the idea of being woken up by an orgasm. Mornings were my thing, and he knew it wouldn’t be hard to convince me… especially with his morning wood against my ass and him whispering his plans for my body in my ear. Per his requests, I rubbed my clit and invited him in by raising one of my legs. He cradled the back of my knee from behind, groaning and chuckling at his new discovery; I was already wet. Then he sunk deep into me. Out, again. And back in, slowly, gripping at my inner thigh, driving me crazy...

After I came a few times, eventually he did. We laid like that for a while until his alarm went off, signaling that this was the latest he could get up in order to have time to get ready. Even though I was kinda sticky, I hoped that I would at least be able to enjoy a little post-sex nap before responsibilities called. I took one look at the clock and sucked my teeth.

“ **You ain’t shit… we had sex for almost** **_two hours_** **?!** ”

“ **I’m…** **_sorry_** **?** ” Frank questioned, laughing as the bed dipped behind me. He leaned over to smack my ass and steal a kiss, making me laugh too.

We took a shower together, got dressed. He made breakfast for us and time warped with us lazing around until it was close to noon. Next thing I knew, we were in his Ferrari with the top down, speeding down the highway with my hair blowing, hands in the air…

**@outrvge** : flog gnawwwwwwwww w/ **@fucktyler @jasperdolphin @tacobennett @damustacheman** and my baby  <3 

I was actually able to have a great time at the carnival and not really care about anyone else’s opinion. There was nothing like making new memories that would last a lifetime with the people I loved. Frank’s hand never left mine as we explored the grounds. Our whole group stayed together as we walked the park, goofing off, talking shit, getting on rides, stuffing our faces until it was time for the performances to start.

Everybody from the camp did such a good job with their sets and I was front row, fanning out as usual. It was so amazing to see Tyler showcasing his obvious talents and enjoying the moment. There were times during his performance where he just stared out into the crowd in disbelief of his vision coming to life, and it made me such a proud friend.

Lonny’s was afterwards, and _damn_.

It the most mesmerizing of them all and the perfect end to the night. The stage just was him and his microphone, adorned with his favorite Hermes scarf, and he kept his eyes closed the whole time as he poured his heart out on stage for all to see. He was singing like he did when we would lay on the carpet of his living room floor with our feet on the couch just to be in each other’s company, the sound coming from him smooth and easy, passionate, precise, purposeful, like every note and run was done with me in mind.

His voice blanketed the audience and they could feel that, calming the electric static in the air. Some songs I swayed to, some I sung with him at the top of my lungs hoping he could feel that energy, some I just stood there right along with him and let myself fall into them like I always did…

When his set was over, the festival was brought to an end. Everybody was filing out of the grounds except for the acts, using this time to interact with the last groups of fans left, eating and going on a few more rides before everything was shut down.

Tyler called everybody over, standing up on the park bench we were piled up on.

“ **I love y’all niggas, no sus. Thank you for another successful ass year of Camp Flog Gnaw. Now let’s get on this fuckin’ Ferris wheel one more time before they kick us out.** ”

The air was a little chilly, so Lonny draped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side as the ride started. The view was incredible from up there…

“ **You were incredible tonight.** ” I said, tilting my head up to meet his eyes. His smile widened, rubbing my knuckles affectionately with his thumb.

“ **So were you.** ”

What? He was the superstar who had completely killed shit about thirty minutes ago. I was the one coming along for the ride.

“ **What’d I do?** ” He shrugged, kissing the top of my head before holding my cheek to stare into my eyes, searching.

“ **Just be your incredible self. I couldn’t have done any of this life without you.** ”

I blushed. He smirked at the feeling of my face heating up under his hand. I leaned in and kissed him as we got to the top of the Ferris wheel. The kiss deepened, and I could hear my heart pounding and skipping beats blood rushing in my ears. I sighed against his lips.

“ **Thank you for making me feel like gold, baby.** ”

It felt like a new beginning and familiarity and comfort and fear of the unknown and no worries and being completely grounded and on top of the world on a Ferris wheel with my heart beating fast from one kiss as time moved slow around us.

“ **You are gold. My golden girl.** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Thank you for coming along on this ride with me! AIR is officially a wrap. I wanted to post it on AO3 so it serves as backstory to the little mini-series and sequel I been working on. Hopefully this prequel will answer some questions people may have about the overall story as I continue along with this universe. The last chapter is gonna be a little something for those Frank lovers out there, a note from him. I appreciate any readers that have been following AIR since 2013 up until this point and just know you have not seen the last of these characters. Love ya'll. <3


	15. start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> frank is thinkin' about billie.

__

_i think about the first time i lied to you often. that’s a weird way to start a note of admiration but.. probably not so weird in the case of you and me. winters have never been good for us. january. it was cold in most places in the world …including me. you noticed, not even knowing me well enough to know the difference. asked me if i was okay- a simple question to which i nodded.. saying i was fine with a smile. a simple lie, but a big one- one that was getting hard to keep up. you saw through me right then. you knew that something was eating at me inside and had been for a while and i didn’t have to say anything.. then you asked a second time. our eyes met before i could lie again and i remember not wanting to …lie to you or myself anymore. my smile fell at the hand of your brown eyes boring into me and it felt good to not have to pretend.. i’d only known you for a month or so but in that moment i knew you would change my life. i promised myself that i would never lie to you again. the seasons always change.. the twinkle in your eye wasn’t mine anymore. i was in a relationship but you broke my heart that spring, and i knew it would be a matter of time before you noticed. so i wrote a song. i wrote that song, and i sung it so painfully it broke your heart too. you cried but you didn’t ask why.. and i was grateful. i wasn’t ready yet. our second winter together was just as cold as the first one. i told you then, expecting the worst. we were on a plane and hot tears swam in your eyes as you grabbed my hand. i was too numb to feel it then but it still meant the world to me. you didn’t choose me that winter.. but the new year came and i was determined. spring and summer came and went, bringing many surprises and much pain and confusion. i should’ve been happy given the circumstances.. but i wasn’t. i kissed you that fall because things always feel better when you shouldn’t do them. i fell in love soon after then, too. it was fleeting.. foreign. by the time winter came to an end so did our relationship. i won a grammy for songs about you and you still didn’t choose me. however, the choice you made left you with consequences.. so spring and summer were rough for you. there i was, suffering from second hand pain but all i could remember was the feeling of your burning hand against mine when i needed you the most. i held your hand this time, promising you that i’d always be there. fall was full of death.. we rose from the ashes together like a pair of phoenixes. the smile in my eyes is warm and undeniable and everything far of a lie. your eyes are still just as beautiful and as soul-searching as the first time i saw them. whatever it is they see in me does nothing but make you smile. they shine for me even though orange red brown will soon fade into white blue grey. yea.. seasons change… but i don’t have to be afraid anymore. no matter how many choices we start off with you always end up right here. with me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last installment of Anything In Return! Just a little drabble I wrote in between chapters to get back in touch with my inner Lonny. Thank you again for rockin' with me and stay tuned for the next few projects in the billieverse series!


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